Another thought

Just another quick thought.

I was just reading my old posts and my love's old posts and I think that based on our personalities and especially my love's -- we should have a lot more maintenance spankings and submission training. If I go 2 days without something, I think she loses interest, unless she is horny.

She is good when horny and good after submission and maintenance. A couple days without and she loses it.

I need to fight through the tiredness, fight through the laziness, and fight through everything else and make time for her each day for this, even if it is briefly.

Update

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Been awhile

It has been awhile. . . sorry. My love's back has been bad, my back was bad, then we went on a vacation. We are back and going to try to start again. She has gone from wanting it in her life to not wanting any part of it to wanting to try it again. She acknowledges that she needs structure in her life and wants to learn to please me more. She remembers how nice it was when we were doing LDD and has suggested harsher punishments because she has a high threshold of pain and because she is a tough nut to crack. She has asked if I am capapble of being strict and forceful. I'm going to try. . . for her, for us, for our family, and for me.

Nothing going on

Quick update. My love's hip and leg are injured from a combination of her exercising and carrying around our 3 year old. She is in a lot of pain and has been for a while. Basically, what this means is that our house, laundry, and cooked meals are the same they were before we started LDD, however now there is a reason so it does not bother me as much. I don't really have anyway to discipline her for disrespect (which she is still better at) and not keeping track of money because it hurts for her to even get up.

If anyone has some ideas for non-moving, non impact disciplines, I'd like to hear it. Basically our LDD life has been put on hold for a bit. I'm not happy about it and I know she isn't either, but what can we do right now?

Our relationship is still good and I think we will continue when she feels better.

Figging

I had gone a while without giving a maintenance spanking -- a combination of my work being busy, her back/leg being really painful and bad, and me not being on top of things.

So after talking and talking about (during foreplay), our next maintenance spanking and possibly using figging, we did it. She emailed me a few weeks ago with a website about figging and how to do it (figging is inserting a ginger root into the ass, which has a slow burning and is painful).

Wednesday night we discussed doing a maintenance spanking and then I went to play softball. I don't know if she expected me to really do it that night, but as I left I told her to come up with a list of 15 things she wanted to change about her life when we started LDD and grade herself (see her blog).

So I came home Wed night from softball with a single red rose and ginger root. I gave her the red rose, kissed her and told her that I bought it b/c I loved her. And that I bought the other item in the bag b/c I loved her as well. Then I told her to go upstairs.

I had her lay naked face down on the bed with her notebook. I prepared the ginger root and went upstairs. We went through her list and I had her write in her notebook 5-20 times different phrases as I spanked her with different devices. Then when we got to the items she was the worst at, mainly her attitude and respect for me, I inserted the ginger root.

The effects were immediate. She said it burned. As we discussed things she needed to improve on, we had the ginger root inserted, me spanking her and her writing lines. At one point she begged me to remove it, I got a little worried, since this was our first time, so I removed it. I waited a minute and asked if she was ok, she said she was, so I put it back in until we were finished.

I think this was effective and she says it was, but next time to have her write in between spankings b/c all she did was write as fast as she could instead of really focusing on it. We also talked about longer figging with more intense spanking (her suggestion), so that we could get her to cry.

She wants to cry and submit. She thinks this will help her around the house, with her attitude towards me, and help her release sexually.

We will continue to work and communicate. Things are better than before we started so it is a process.

I was going to give her a maintenance tonight, but her leg/back is so bad she took some pain medication I don't want to spank her while she has an injury.

We both have talked about me being more strict and being strict at the moment her misbehavior occurs. I'll work on this.

The house is a mess and I hate knowing that I am the one who will be cleaning it -- just like before, even though it is b/c she can't bend and is in pain. So I don't blame her, but I still hate it. Tough for me to always separate the issue that it is not her fault b/c she is hurt and my aggravation of working all week, most of the weekend, and then have to clean around the house. Sucks, but not her fault this time.

Thoughts on this lifestyle

My thoughts seem to change sometimes about our new lifestyle. Am I strong enough to do this. Will she ever submit. Is it just a sex game? She seems like she wants to submit and be a "good" wife, but the only time she ever talks like this is during foreplay. During the day or evening, she doesn't seem to be as into it.

This morning she said she wants to be at a full submitting point by this fall so she can wake up with me in the morning (now she stays in bed), turn on my shower, help bathe me, make me breakfast, and be up with the kids. Of course she said this during foreplay and dirty talk.

I think she thinks she is being more respectful and submissive, but I'm not always seeing it.

For instance, this morning, we were discussing our plans for the day. I wanted one schedule, she wanted another. She forcefully told me what was going to happen and that our daughter was not swimming at my parents -- not "I think this should be our plan and here's why I don't want her to swim." We talked about it later and she thought we both agreed -- this is part of her problem - she doesn't even realize how she talks to me. She thought we discussed it and I agreed, but I think she "laid down the law" and ordered me around.

Its a long process and we are at least communicating and she is certainly better, just not where I hope she would be.

More updates

Haven't blogged since Saturday -- sorry.

Things have been very good.

Saturday night we went to dinner and a movie and had the kids sleep out. Sunday morning, we had pretty good sex. She picked up the kids and I worked. Then she came home, we were together for a little then I went back to work.

Every morning, I have given her a pre-emptive spanking, but not very hard because she has been good and also because she has had some hamstring/low back/glut pain from working out.

Monday, I came home from work and . . . she had baked a cake with the kids. She didn't tell me, I just opened the door and the smell hit me. It was awesome. Understand that my lovely wife of almost 9 years and mother of my kids for more than 5 had never just baked a cake. And better - she did it with the kids.

Our focus of the last maintenance spanking was to be better with me and spend more time with the kids. She is doing better. Monday was cake, Tuesday was the zoo, and today I came home and our 5 year old's nails were polished, dinner was made, laundry was done, and the house was clean.

Both of our mothers have asked what happened to my wife b/c they don't recognize this woman who cooks, cleans, does laundry.

So far, there have been some hiccups, but this new lifestyle has been GREAT. Laundry is good, quality timeis good, time with kids is good, and sex is good -- but that has always been pretty good. I also have found that my angst seems to be mostly gone. Last night her leg was hurting and I told her to sit and I would do stuff. I started to feel that feeling again -- where she is sitting and I'm working. But I realized it was b/c I told her to and it was all fine. If this is how life is, then I'm really looking forward to the rest of it. Also, she bought a sex swing today -- what a good wife. It will look great in our bedroom next to the stripper pole we have there for her "excersice." Yes, she has always said that she is good in THAT room. But now, she is just good all around.

I think she needs another maintenance spanking soon. We'll let you all know

Friday

Friday was much better. After we had our argument Thursday, we were better Friday. We have always had a knack for getting past arguments.

I met her and my parents for dinner and we put the kids to bed. I had read her posts and planned to just kind of start over tonight.

After putting the kids to bed, she said she had to send an email. I came down and asked if she had finished her email -- I wanted to give her a chance to do what she needed to do. What I had not told her or discussed, was that I was going to do her maintenance spanking tonight. We neeeded to keep trying.

So I asked her if she was done with her email. Then I told her to close her computer and go upstairs, b/c she was getting her maintenance spanking. I think she was a little suprised and was about to balk, but she complied. We went up and I did a slow spanking. I spanked her for 1/2 hour. We talked during and I complimented her progress on the house. She has made the most progress on the house. Some progress with the kids, but her focus of the house has taken away from time with the kids. And her worst progress is her interaction with me. We discussed it and I told her I would work on my end and she would work on hers.

When we were done, she curled into my arms. It was fantastic. I could tell we were connected and she was into me again. We just kept hugging tighter and tighter for 5 or so minutes. She then went down on me and gave me oral. I then went down on her and did the same. Then we made love.

Another succesful moment in LDD.

Cross your fingers for us because when it is good, this has been really good.

(FYI - Both my wife and I appreciate the comments people have left. However, we can't figure out how to post on our own blogs or each others. Anyone who can tell us how to do it. We'd appreciate it. We type in the box and then it asks for an ID and it doesn't take ours.)

Updates

For those of you reading my wife's blog (http://www.adoreshoh.blogspot.com/), you read her version of Thursday night. We are trying to communicate and have sometimes found it better through blogs. It opens up our communiation and lets us think without a back and forth. Helpful.



Thursday we were supposed to have a maintenance spanking. I came home and she had worked really hard cleaning the pantry. I knew she had worked at it all day. The cleaning lady was coming Friday -- yes, we have someone come clean the house once every two weeks and all we have to do is straighten up so that she can clean (mop, dust, etc.). Normally, this is an event that does not start until after the kids go to bed and can last until 1 or 2 AM. In the past, I would come home to a messy house, hear that my love had no time during the day to clean b/c she was taking care of the kids, so I would come home from work, bring home dinner, put the kids to bed, and then we would clean. Obviously not the best scenario. So I was excited all week that the house was looking great and I would not have any work to do Thursday night. I might even get to go play some poker after some maintenance spanking and making love -- or watch a movie with the Mrs.


Well, I had a shitty day at work, which is happening a lot lately. Nothing bad, just very stressful. I have a stressful high paced job that I've learned to manage well, but there are days, weeks, etc. that it gets even more high paced and I do not always deal well with it.


So I spoke with her from work adn talked to her about her cooking the pork chops that were in the fridge and were going to go bad, she said she didn't know how and maybe she would. I explained that the directions were on the box (shake n bake), but I would email them to her. So I sent her an email and was really excited about dinner being cooked for me and not having to clean.


Later I called her and she was still working on the pantry and had not spent any time with the kids. I knew the pantry was a huge undertaking and understood that she was focused on it and didn't mind the non attentiviness to the kids that day. She said she was still working on it so I left work a little early. On teh way home, we spoke and I ended up offering to come home and do the cooking b/c she was still working on the pantry.



I got home and saw the pantry was awesome!! I told her how great it was and a what a good job it was. She had 4 huge trash bags full of crap in the kitchen and told me they were too heavy for her to carry to the garage and I said I would do it later -- no problem. I then enjoyed making dinner and even tried to make asparagus in the oven for the first time. We talked about seasonings, worked together . . . it was great. During this, our 3 year old was having his HUGE breakdown in the corner. We have worked on not giving him attention when he does this, but it is certainly tough. I kept my cool and patience and made a good dinner and was happy.


During dinner, neither kid wanted to eat what we made, the younger one was still crabby, and I started to lose my patience a little -- but was still ok. She started doing the dishes and I cleared the table and then she said her back was hurting. I happily told her that she could go take a breek and I would do it.


Then, as Im doing dishes, I had one of those moments that I have sometimes. Like a slow switch. I realized what time it was, calculated in my head how long it would take to finish all the things I had to do before I got to sit down and relax for the first time all day -- the dishes, then put the kids to bed, then straighten the house (b/c even though it was as clean as it has ever been at this point on a Thursday, there was still work to be done), plus carry the bags outside to the trash, plus let the dogs out, feed the dogs, and who knows what else would come up. This was adding up to me not being able to sit for a long time. And the kids were watching tv and she was laying on the couch (granted b/c she was hurting). But when I was in the kitchen doing this, and thinking about this, I started to feel like I used to feel when I would be cleaning/cooking/laundry/whatever while she was on the couch and the kids were watching tv. I was getting anxious b/c I knew that I would not be able to "sit down and relax" for hours. It sucked. Then I finished the dishes and tried to put the kids to bed. Her back was hurting so I got the honor of changing the 3 year old's diaper. He was not in the mood for that and was fighting me and kicking me. At first, I was calm, but quickly started to lose it. The diaper had to be changed and I was being kicked by a pretty strong kid who was twisting and kicking. I got pissed. We put the kids to bed and then straighened up the bedroom. It was getting later and later. It did not take long (by comparison to other weeks) but I still had not "sat down yet." Then we decide the house is ok and we go downstairs. She sits and opens her computer. She finally "gets to sit" and she deserved it. Well, I deserved it too, but my work was not done. I had to go get the dogs from downstairs and let them out. Then I had to do take out the 4 bags of garbage that were too heavy for her to lift.



If you asked me my biggest pet peeve 2 weeks ago (before LDD) it would be doing something around the house while my wife sits there and watches and doesn't even offer to help.



Well here I was again and feeling the same way -- though this time it was not really her fault.



So I take the dogs out and lift the first bag of trash. As I apply even a little pressure into lifting it, the bottom completely breaks and cans, packages, and loose cheerios pours all over the floor. I exclaim (wife says I yelled in a way to blame her, I don't recall that, but I'll take her word for it). Why do I take her word for it? Well I don't remember my words, but I remember my thoughts. "God dang it V, you loaded the bag too heavy and look at this. Now I have to clean it up. Just great" Or something to that effect.

She came in very annoyed with what I thought at the time was annoyance that I would dare be upset about having to clean up after a broken trash bag and heaven forbid that I would blame her for it b/c after all she worked really hard today. Great. She worked hard today. Great. She has been doing a lot better. But Shit. Instead of using 4 trash bags, she could have used 8. Is this the end of the world? No. Is it something in and of itself to be that upset about? No. Did it happen at the end of a long day while I was still working around the house and she was sitting down and it was her "fault" (no she didnt' do it on purpose, but it wasn't my fault for lifting the bag. So let's face it. A stranger didn't come in and fill a bag with 100 pounds of canned goods, it wasn't an act of natrure like a tornado, so who's fault was it?). She came in, made a comment about me being a jerk or something and then turned around and went back to sitting. She was pissed at me for being a jerk (see her blog) and in pain from her back so she wasn't going to help. I would have at least liked an offer to help. I felt like it was before HOH. If she had said. "Wow, sorry. I didn't realize it was so full." or "that sucks, I can't bend over, but can I help?" Or anything besides basically "your an asshole, its your fault, clean it up yourself." MY FAULT???? How the FUCK is this my fault? This is what I thought. I wasn't mad at her for doing it, I understood how it could happen (even in the state of mind I was in, I knew this). But MY FAULT? Are you fucking kidding me? I toughed the top of the bag, grabbed it, began to lift, and BAM. My fault? Well, needless to say, that was teh beginning of the end. I cleaned up, threw all the bags out and finally. . . finally had all my "chores" done. It was too late to go out, too late for a movie, and too pissed off to do maintanance spanking.

Then I tried to talk to her. I had one of those times where I become calmer -- mainly b/c she is pissed. She completely shut down emotionally, was pissed and warned me to leave her alone or she would make me cry -- through emotional attacks. In the past, I have learned to leave her alone and usually do a good job of it, but not that night. I was too much of a combination of pissy and wanting to have the better marriage where we talk throught things. I have always been the one who wants to talk and share. She shuts down, rolls her eyes, makes fun a little, and threatens to hurt my feelings. . . then hurts my feelings. I know this is a defense mechanism and it is her natural response to protect herself -- she is much more sensitive then people think and more than she lets on. I just wish she didn't feel the need to protect herself emotionally from me -- a wish that I will have to work on. We've talked and she will try to open up more, but I need to be more conscious of this issue and show her that I am a safe place. I don't know if she has ever really given me a chance. She cna come to me about other people, but she shuts down when it comes to me. .. . we will work together on this.

Some random thoughts

I'd like some feedback on some random thoughts.

During this morning's pre-emptive discipline, I was spanking her bottom. I asked her to open herself up (meaning spread her cheeks, which usually has meant anal and/or frontal discipline). She commented that I can't do this every time, it should only be for certain reasons or times. Now I agree with this and was not planning on doing it, but now thinking about it, should I have disciplined her for saying this. After all, she is not in charge of how she gets disciplined . . . I am. We have agreed that we can discuss these issues after disciplines or other times, but not during. I don't think I will let this happen again.

Last night, we had nothing to do by 8. We both just sat watching tv that we didn't really care about and she caught up on some reading she really wanted to do. I was bored. I thought of giving her a maintenance spanking. Not because it was necessarily due, but because a)we rarely have an entire evening for it, b) I wanted my affectionate wife back, and c) I was bored. a and b might be good reasons, but I ended up not doing it because I thought (c) was a bad reason and because she really has been pretty good lately and I knew she really wanted to catch up on her reading and I felt bad for taking her away from it. What should I have done?

I'm nervous that her mindset is that this was a fun game for a bit, but she is getting bored with it. She has almost no reaction to the pre-emptive spankings in the morning. Are they working? She seems almost immune to the physical aspect of this lifestyle.

Update

Things are going pretty well, but not perfect.

This week I have given a pre-emptive spanking every day before work and we had sex Monday and Tuesday afterwards (today, I didn't have time for sex. . just the spanking.) Monday, the sex was very good. Tuesday, she was less into it and tired -- but she posted on her blog that it was good to get "connected" by making love after the spankings.

We recieved our ALDD book and I read most of it. The frontal and anal discipline was very interesting -- mainly b/c I would not have thought of it myself due to thinking the frontal would hurt too much and the anal would be no big deal. The book explained very well how to do this safely and effectively. Sunday night, I tried both out on her as an experiment, very softly at first, to see what it would feel like and discuss the effectiveness, pressure, pain, etc so that we could decide together if these were disciplines that would be effective, safe, and acceptable.

Monday morning, during my pre-emptive spanking, I used both frontal, anal, and bottom discipline. We discussed it later and she explained that the frontal and anal hurts more than the bottom, but that a slow bottom spanking would more likely cause crying. I hope to try this out in her maintenance spanking tonight or tomorrow night. I do not know which night it will be b/c she has a massage scheduled for tonight and if she has it, I don't want to ruin it by giving her a maintenance spanking -- I will do it tomorrow. Her hip, back, and leg have been sore from excersicing lately so I have been a little hesitant to give her a full discipline.

She has been very good in some asepcts of our new life. The house is cleaner than it has EVER been and laundry is usually getting done. She is spending more time with the kids and hopes to start cooking with and for them this week.

She says she is being more respectful to me, but my opinion is that she is being less attacking to me. She is right -- she does not yell or put me down as much, but her natural reaction and tone is not what I would call respectful. It often implies that she thinks I am stupid. She says it is not disrespectful, but she would not talk to a boss at work this way or her parent if she were a child or even to a stranger -- Now, do I want either of these relationships with my wife -- no, but I do sometimes use it as a measuring stick as to whether she is speaking respectfully.

The negatives that are still there are that I think she is slightly disrespectful at times. No laundry was done yesterday b/c she was on the phone literrally all day -- though she had a good reason to be on the phone, it is cordless and she could have done laundry while doing it. She also has not been as "into me" as she was last week. I kind of hate that it takes physical punishment for her to show her affection for me or even the risk of physical punishment. I still haven't wrapped my arms around it. But I am trying. I have wanted to hug, kiss, cuddle with her for as long as I can remember. She acted the same way last week and it was like a dream. I want that back and I want it for the rest of my life. Is beating her really the only way? Attacking her physcially and emotionally?

I know she wants to improve in all aspects of her home life, kids, cleaning, cooking, affection for me. She needs a figuritive kick in the ass and possibly a literal kick in the ass. She is like a drug addict, trying to kick her addiction of laziness. She was lazy in the house, with the kids, and with her love an appreciation for me. She knows this and wants to change it and I love that. She is a lot better with the house, better with the kids, and occasionally better with me.

I may be asking too much, but treating me "not as badly as she used to" is not excatly what I want for my life. I want her to treat me affectionetly and lovingly. I got that last week. But not this week. When she looks at me, the glow of pride and love is not there anymore. . . it is the same it used to be.

Part of this problem is that she has said that I'm a wimp and that she loved the strenght I showed last week. Well 2 problems with that. When I speak to her now as I did then, she laughs a little and says it is not believeable. It is the same as last week, but then it was new and exciting. Also, I don't discipline her enough, but I feel bad for doing it sometimes or she or I are busy with things in our life that do not allow for an hour and a half of discipline. We tried a short version Friday and it did not go as well.

We have discussed the idea of taking baby steps and not expecing her to be like an LDD wife of 10 years after 10 days. We've also discussed that she won't get there unless I am more strict.

I'm open to thoughts of others in this lifestyle.

Trying to remember that we are still new to this and it takes work

She just stormed upstairs and said goodnight. Good part is it ended with us saying that we were both upset. She didn't want to fight and was getting more and more upset and didn't want to say something she would regret and that we should talk about it tomorrow when we are both calm.

Then she went upstairs.

Tough day for our new "lifestyle."

She thinks I was an ass all day. I disagree that I was an ass all day, but let's accept her premise for the moment. Let's say I was an ass all day.

If I'm being an ass, does she have the right to fight back at me? To tell me I'm being an ass? To say no to me? When I ask her why she is pissed to not tell me even though I know it is b/c of me? If I'm mad and it is not her fault, do I have a right to be upset anyway and take it out on her? Probably not. But then, if she responds poorly to my poor behavior, THEN do I discipline her?

This is a tough call, especially with my wife. A problem I have always had with her, and I fell like we just went through this 5 minutes ago, is that if someone (usually me) does something bad or jerky, she feels like that opens the door and nothing is her fault afterward. Many many times in our marriage I have complained about her doing something or reacting in a way and her excuse is to go back to the beginning of the conversation, day, etc. Because I was in a bad mood, she did nothing wrong. Because I was in a bad mood, how can she believe me when I say she was acting badly? My view was scewed. She couldn't have been wrong.

Our first issue was that we were supposed to go swimming and our oldest was going to stay inside. I snapped at her because I was frustrated. Next thing I know, her cover up is on and she is inside. In the past, this would be an example of her acting passive aggressive and punishing me for snapping and saying she didn't want to swim anymore but not tell me why, just let me linger and steam. Well guess what, that is what she looked like she was doing. I asked why and she didn't tell me. Or she came up with the lame excuse that she didn't want our oldest to be inside without us? But that wasn't the case 2 minutes ago. I kept asking why she changed her mind and she wouldn't say. I asked if it was because of my snapping at her and she wouldn't say. Then while discussing it, she got on the phone and called someone.

Her take is that she was outside, checked the water temperature and decided it was too cold. Then came in. When I confronted her, she says she was aware of her tone and respect level and was good at both but didn't want to argue. Then she got up and got on the phone b/c she didn't want to argue. She thinks that b/c I was being an ass, she was right -- end of story.

(Also, I think she thinks I'm trying to take advantage of this lifestyle by thinking I can be a jerk and she just has to take it and that I'm overdoing the dominant thing sometimes. I'm not trying to. Really, I'm not. I am testing her often though. I think it is what she wants and needs. She wants to submit more and wants to be disciplined. . . except for when she is pissy. It is a battle of wills that I have always lost).

My take is that she should have said it was b/c the water was cold, not b/c of me and that would have been the end of it. Or she should have at least acted better when I was being a jerk. The whole thing kept getting me more and more mad b/c as I was being an ass and expecting her to submit, she kept putting me off more and more b/c I was being an ass, which made me more mad and wanting her to submit for anything and testing her over and over.

So, who is right? I don't know. And worst, I was supposed to do a maintanance spanking tonight and I have too much work and will probably miss it. Work is a lot right now and getting in the way of this.

Speaking of which, I should get back to it.

Friday - rough 24 hours continued

Ok, so things were going well and we knew we needed a discipline session (really, both of us. . . she actually brings it up more than me).

So we put the kids to bed and we had an hour before she was going to leave, so I started the discipline in our room. She was trying to rationalize why we shouldn't do it then, but the more she talked, the more convinced I was that we should.

We are both really tired and if we didn't do it then, we may not do it at all b/c we could be too tired tonight (for instance, i just fell asleep a little while thinking of my next line to write).

It started well and I got her to cry (woo hoo, I can make my wife cry). I berated her with things to improve on and what she has done wrong (as I've been instructed by the LDD books and blog). She was crying for a bit, so I continued to spank her through it as instructed -- very exciting that I may have been doing it correctly.

Then I could tell she was not into it anymore. I asked her something and she snapped back a little. I could tell that mentally, she was done. She was pissed about something and would feel no more pain or remorse. I couldn't decide if I should keep going, luckily for my pussy ass, a kid called. I went to check on them and then gave her corner time for 10 minutes. I knew something was wrong but i didn't knwo exactly what. I asked what she was thinking and she said she was both thinking about herself and being angry with me. I told her that she should focus on her improvements, not her anger. . . apparantly this made her more angry because she spent the rest of the 10 minutes being more angry -- and I could tell. She then laid in my arms, but only b/c it was "in the script" -- she had no desire to be held by me. It hurt.

She said that there were some things I said while berating her that were unfair. She may be right. She handled it ok, she still hugged and kissed me and did not get mean or too angry with me.

I don't get a lot of things. How did she take that beating and not be bothered by it? When did she go from crying to mad? Was the crying only self pity as the book describes and not real remorse? How can I berate her for 30 minutes, when she has been so good this week. Yes there is a lot of room for improvement, but she has really done good and been WAY into me and the kids. I have been happy.

I'm still not sure about the punishment aspect they suggest. THere is something to be said for crying and realeasing tension and guilt. But berating and beating for 30 minutes is tough. I got a great result from 1 minute in the garage and the threat of cleaning my shit off my ass if I had to clean her shit with a plunger, adn other random punishments. . . but this one will need work.

She disagrees, but I think part of the problem is that she naturally blames others. It was ingrained in her since birth. Her whole family is like that. . . her brother's business goes under and well sure, he may have made a mistake or two, but it was really his partner's fault. Her brother doesn't have a job and won't take a test that would double his job opportunity, but its ok b/c he has enough stress and doesn't need that more stress and he is doing everything he can to get a job. . not his fault. It is ALWAYS someone else when it comes to her family.

I think the focus of her anger outweighing her own self awareness tonight had something to do with that. She subconsciously latched on to the ability to be mad at me which gave her an excuse to ignore the problems that she actually has.

Long story short, she was angry, but handled it well. She still spoke to me and kissed me as she left for her evening out. She also acknowledged that I felt bad and confirmed I did not do anything with long lasting effects and she loved me. . .this of course made me almost cry and she warned me that weak crying was a turnoff and i got myself together (see who is the HOH?) She orders me to stop crying. She basically orders me to punish her. -- we are both working on it.

I felt like shit and still kind of do. I feel like I screwed up our first punishment and was doing so well and made her cry and then fucked up. I actually ran out of things to berate her for and started stretching it. . . won't make that mistake again.

I feel bad that i screwed this up. One of the best things about this lifestyle is that we are so into each other. I did something that made her not into me. It sucks.

Friday -- rough 24 hours

Yesterday afternoon I got a tough work assignment around 3:30 that took a ton of time. I worked till midnight and got up really early. I'm very tired.

This morning I left for work early and was running late and forgot to give a preemptive spanking for the first time this week. I was shocked that it was so needed.

I had a deposition (I'm a lawyer) near my house so I left work a little early so that I could come home and get a kiss just because I knew I could and I thought that would be neat. I called her on the way to let her know and I could tell from the way she answered the phone that she was in a bad mood. I asked what was wrong and she "snappily" told me the dogs, kids, etc were a problem. She didn't ask how I was or care. She was caught up in her own world and a bit of "woe is me." She then told me not to come home for the kiss and basically hung up on me. I knew that she was trying to be respectful, but was having a hard time and was flustered.

I kept driving and decided that now would be a good time for a punishment. I called her back as I approached the house and told her to meet me in the garage. She came out, I could tell she knew what was going to happen and she had that rolling of the eyes smirk, but I was not backing down (she has told me how great it is when I'm commanding and I'm consciously working on it b/c it does not always come naturally). I kissed her and told her it would be ok, then told her to drop her pants and bend over the car. I spanked her with the belt and saw a transformation take place. I knew right then, that the rest of the day would be easier for her and she would be a better wife/mom. She kissed me deeply and went in, but not before I told her that if she didn't improve today, she would be grounded tonight and not able to go out with her girlfriend to see a movie -- also that she would be spanked tonight.

I came home later, flustered, and took some stress out on her, but she handled it well. She is really really trying and it is good. I can see it in the house, the kids, myself, and her. We all love the new Mrs.

This is actually working -- Should have been posted Thursday

Wednesday night I had the best night of sleep I've had since before I was married. Why? Because my love curled up into me and let me spoon her/cuddle with her while we slept. We used to do that in college, but since we've been married -- she always says she is too hot, or it hurts her back, but I LOVE holding her all night. I feel like she is finally starting to love me and give me the affection that I have always felt for her. It was a great night. We made love and I held her all night. A dream that I've had for a long time and haven't done in a long long time.

She has made a lot of real improvements. The house is still great, she is doing better with the kids, she is WAY into me (which I love), and is making great efforts.

The problem is still in her natural reactions, which are guarded and shielded. For years, I tried to explain to her that her first reaction was "no" and then she would calm down, think and say maybe or yes. . . but it was always an immediate no. Now she is better with that. Similarly, her reactions are disrespectful. She treats me with respect and adoration, but only part time and almost like it is only when she is turned on or playing the game. We need to get this past a game and into a long lasting lifestyle. Of course it has been less than a week and she is trying.

I stayed home from work today and it was GREAT while she was home. We had really good sex. I was playing piano and she came to listen and sit with me. We kissed a long time and then I couldn't take it anymore so i took her into the bathroom and picked her up on the counter. Eventually we ended up on the couch in the family room. It was fun and neat for us to be SOOOO into each other.

I really hope this lasts.

Haven't posted in a while

I've been busy and lax on my blogging so I will try to summarize my thoughts for the last few days

My love's blog

Check out my love's blog at www.adoreshoh.blogspot.com

One last thing

One last thing. I have now been blogging for about an hour. I have gotten no work done (normal for when I'm emotionally upset about my wife loving or not loving me at the moment).

If I had just cleaned quickly, fucked her, showered, and come downstairs to work. .. . I might be done by now.

Ugh

Responding to my love's post

I just asked my love to read my blog and she can't deal right now. She wants to be alone. Understandable I guess, but scary because this is her pre LDD reaction. Not her post LDD reaction. I knew these things would happen -- her drawing in and being pre LDD. Didn't have a good game plan going in and dealing with it poorly now.

In her blog, she talks about the discipline and her adoration for me.

She says she was confused by my reactions when I came upstairs. She was cleaning for me and still very into the adoration mode -- probably what motivated her to clean.

I came up from working out, sweaty and sore, and saw a huge pile of bags for me to carry downstairs. Then I saw the room and I could tell she had been working, but shittily commented that it did not seem like much had been done. Ok look, I know she worked hard and I know stuff was done, but I was so immediatly overwhelmed with the amount of work that was left to do -- that I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO DO, I got pissy. Then she starts telling me that she doesn't know what to do with this and this and that. Well that has always been code for (and we both do this). . . take care of this because I put in a little effort and the rest requires thought and more effort, so you take care of it. "There's a whole bunch of Disneyworld stuff that I don't know what to do with" Well what should I do with it? "I don't know what to do with the top of the dresser" Well, when I left, you said you would get everything off except for my stuff and it looks like you didn't touch it. Then the groping and ear licking occurred as I'm cleaning the dresser and realizing that only about 60-70% of it was mine and thinking that she didn't even try, therefore, I have to clean the dresser, clean the Disneyworld stuff, carry things, do another hour of cleaning work, then do my office work that I brought home so that I could leave work early enough to have dinner with my family, then shower, then try to relax and go to bed.

Was this fair of me? Did I handle it right? Probably not. I handled it the way I used to handle it -- with passive aggresiveness-- which is wrong for both of us. What I should have done as HOH was point all this out to her, then make her strip, and clean the rest of the room by herself without help, then when she was finished, go to the corner and think about it (or something like that).

But even that would have taken time away from the shit I had to do. Also, I didn't think about it b/c I was pissy.

She "shut down" as she puts it -- good description. I hate when she does that. I don't know how to act. And being HOH, I really don't know how to act. Was that the perfect time to strip her and break her down emotionally and physically to submit to me? Maybe. Looking back on it -- probably. I got hurt that she was hurt and went pussy for the rest of the evening and continue to as I type. At first, I tried to be the "sexy alpha HOH" for her, but I could tell she wasn't in the mood.

I don't always know what to do. . . Shit, I'm making this up as I go along.

She put it best when she wrote that we are flying blind in this lifestyle. We are both trying to work it out.

In her blog she does acknowledge that she did not retaliate at me when she got hurt and that was a big step. I agree. I saw the thoughts going through her head, I gave her a chance to attack, and she didn't. If nothing else, that was a good step. Then in the laundry room, she was in no mood for me, but she let me kiss her. . . another good step.

Also, if I'm going to be completely honest as I sit here and reflect. I was mad at myself when I came upstairs. I planned to excersice and run on the treadmill. My heel hurts and I cut it short. Also, because I'm fat and out of shape. Then I did some push ups and then just sat around a little. A waste of an attempt to work out, but at least I walked almost a mile and did 20 push ups and then my shoulder hurt and I got pissed about that.

Bottom line, I walked up a little pissy then might have been looking for reasons to be more pissy.

If I were not in a bad mood, I might have handled her "not know what to do" with a dresser top half full of her clothes in a better HOH kind of way.

I'll work on it.

Day 3 continued -- when things started going south

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Day 3 - things are great and things are tough

This morning I gave a peremptory spanking before I left. It really turned me on and I really wanted a blow job or to have sex. V asked if I wanted a blow job -- I could tell she wanted to give me one and was really turned on. I declined. Why? Am I crazy? No -- I just didn't want it to be sexual. I'm trying really hard to help V. I can tell she struggles with it and I know she knows that I am struggling too. If we are going to try to make this work the right way, then it has to be the right way and a peremptory punishment in the morning should be just that -- not foreplay.


I think she understood -- but she told me that she masturbated to orgasm with her vibrator 3 times before getting in the shower anyway.



The good news is she got in the shower and dressed before the kids were up. That has happened about zero times in the past few years and even less when she had no where to go all day. Her blog says she played with the kids, fed them healthy food, and actually cooked dinner. She did -- she used the oven for the first time in who knows how long.



Overall she had a great day, but she put in her blog that she may have been on the computer too much. The fact that she even had that thought is a step in the right direction. She seems committed to trying this and so far, the kids, me, and I think her, are better for it.



As punishment for being on the computer too long this afternoon, I punished her tonight by having her clean for an hour without tv or computer. I'm trying to make punishments fit the crime -- partly b/c I prefer that and also because I know her commitment is fragile and I don't want to be unfair.



Later, I heard her say to the kids, "I told you earlier not play with those" -- referring to plastic golf clubs. She was worried they would get hurt. Great, but they were playing with them for more than 5 minutes right in front of her before that and she was too busy on her laptop to notice. So for that, she received her first punishment. After the kids were in bed I had her strip. Then get over my knee. I spanked her pretty hard and she squirmed but took it. By the end, I could tell that I was reaching a point that was going to really really hurt or just mostly hurt. I chose to bail and make the excuse that this was only a 3 or 4 out of 10 because her crime was not that bad, but to remember that it could be much worse and then I hit her really hard twice with the paddle. She later told me that it wasn't that bad of a punishment but she would not want the 2 hard hits the whole time.


Truth is, I don't know if I quit b/c she did not commit a bad crime. I certainly wasn't thinking about that for the first 90% of the spanking. But then I saw she was in real pain and didn't want to hurt her. I hate causing her pain -- emotionally or physically. I bailed before it got too bad and I knew it, then I came up with a reason for bailing (kind of how I come up for a reason to not exercise or to eat something I shouldn't).


I don't know what I will do when she does something really deserving of harsh punishment -- probably bail like a pussy. I put on a good facade of power, but am worried that I'm a pussy at heart.



After the spanking, she curled into my arms. It was wonderful. I could tell she really loved me and appreciated my efforts. She told me how turned on she was by my strength and that my whining in the past was a turn off. She only thinks of me and is losing her fantasy world. I started off thinking this was a great compliment and was thrilled, then I thought -- Wow, apparently my wife used to not think of me and only her fantasy boyfriends/lovers. I must be a real undesirable pussy. Just as I was starting to worry that this was just a sex game to her, she asked to blow me. I originally said no b/c it was not supposed to be a sex game. Then I listened to her more and learned that her love for me seemed higher than ever before. She truly loves me right now and worships me and she loves it. She is happy and that makes me happy.



Long story short -- She gave me a great blow job (but really, it is not about the sex -- it was like she was making love to me, worshiping me). It was nice.



She then showed me how wet she was and asked if she could masturbate. I said yes and went to work out. But I told her after masturbating, she would have to clean for the hour. She said ok.



I went to work out and came back and I could tell she had been cleaning -- this is where things started to go downhill for the night.

First day as HOH

Today went well. V woke up with kids and helped make sausage and eggs for first time -- that's right, first time she's helped cook breakfast that did not involve a toaster or microwave and our oldest is 5. Shocked when she suggested taking a picture b/c I do this more often. I think she was suprised and a bit saddened that our 5 and 3 year old knew how to crack an egg and stir the bowl -- but she had never taught them or seen it. She is having a lot of realizations lately -- all for the better.

We went to my parent's home for Memorial Day. Her planned ideas went well -- kissing me, cleaning, clearing dishes, but her instinctive responses to me leave a bit to be desired. She is still naturally insulting and "above" me. . . she needs to really commit and it is not natural for her yet. But I know she is trying.

My family was SHOCKED that she helped clean up after lunch. SHOCKED. Made both of us realize how bad she has been. I was so proud of her for working on this today. Kind fo feel like I am helping a drug addict. As we work on it, I am realizing how far gone she was and how embarrising it should have been. . . but now i'm just so proud of every little step she takes. Even cleaning some dishes makes me proud and turned on by her. I'm trying to work on baby steps and not ask too much of her too quick, but I'm worried that I may be too soft. I have given her some warnings in the past 24 hours -- I'm torn between disciplining her for everything and warning her -- I'm warning for things she does not think of and telling herthat it is not ok. If I disciplined her for everything right now, she wouldn't be able to walk . . .so I think I will discipline her for knowledgable infractions and warn her 1 time for those that I know she does not even know about.

Setting up this blog may be very good for us. She has one too www.adoresHOH.blogspot.com.

Between our first introductory and maintanance spanking

Just finished our first maintenance spanking as HOH. I think it went well. V was very nervous and scared beforehand and was looking for me to help her back out. But that is not what she needs. She needs strength from me and I am trying my best to provide it. I’ve let her get out of too many situations in our lives and she is weaker for it. She is, as she says, unappreciative, lazy, and not up to her potential. I used to think that maybe this was just the way she was. . . I blamed her mother and father for it (still do – her two brothers are unappreciative and have a complex that they deserve things without earning them). . . I didn’t think she could change and this was just the way she was.
A few years ago, I became really depressed and didn’t tell her about it – I just fought through it. I was depressed because I loved her so much and I knew I could never live without her or get away from her. . . but I also knew that I would spend the rest of my life in an unequal marriage with someone who did not love me as much as I loved her and did not appreciate how much I loved her. All I wanted was affection and to not worry about her loving me.
I understand that some of this was self created. When it comes to V, I am insecure. I know I am fat and not attractive to look at when naked. I know I have a small penis and that I am not good at sex. I do not last long and possibly have never made her orgasm with my penis. I am very self conscious of this. . . sometimes to the point of not wanting to have sex.
I have always been insecure of her love for me for multiple reasons. One of which is that she had sex with someone else. I was unable to do this. I always knew in my heart that I would try to end up with her and my love for her was so strong that I didn’t want to be that intimate with anyone else. Another reason is that it appeared clear to me that I have always loved her more than she loves me. Let me clarify. Since I broke her heart when she was 17, I have loved her more than she loves me. It was a mistake, but I was young, stupid, and listened to others advice. But it always became apparent that she took care of herself and I took care of her, but no one took care of me. No one has been looking out for what makes me happy. My mother sees it and I always deny it. But I see it too.
I am over the other person sex thing because I now understand it better. I am also, but very recently, getting over the idea that I love her more than she loves me. She has, in the past few months or about a year or so, shown me that she really truly loves me. I know it sucks that I need reminders and being assured. I know I’m weak when it comes to this. But I am sensitive and completely in love. I joke that she is my self worth. But it is true. Everything I do is to make her proud of me. I love her so much and don’t want to disappoint her. This would maybe be ok, if I wasn’t so scared of her. I’m scared of disappointing her and of not giving her what she wants. I know I say mean things sometimes about her being on the computer too much or cooking, etc but I get very frustrated. . . then I drop it and she smiles or kisses me and it is all ok. But it never leaves the back of my mind.
Seriously, what other house wife doesn’t cook – ever. Barely cleans. On days that the maid is coming the next day. . . she waits till I’m home from a day at work to start cleaning and for me to help. She says she can’t shower or clean with the kids all day. . . bullshit. I’ve been with both kids, cooked them a meal, put a load of laundry in and cleaned a room. I’m not superman, I just know I can do it. She needs to know this too. There are days that she drops Ben off at school, works out, sits in her car, picks him up, feeds him, puts him down for a nap, sits for 2 hours, drives to pick sam up and drives home – while listening to her music and making the kids watch a movie on mute – gives them a snack and lets them watch an hour and a half of tv before I come home and claims it has been a hard day and I need to do everything. . . and I’m such a schmuck – I do it – and cater to her all night.
It aggravates me so much. She can’t possibly love me and treat me this way.
The most difficult thing I dreaded tonight was criticizing her. First, who am I to criticize. I’m fat and lazy too. I walk past laundry and dishes too. I’m no better than her. I need to change too and hopefully I will. Second reason is because I didn’t know if she would accept it and be better or if she would fight back. She will always win a battle between us when winning means hurting the other more.
I got over all this when I read her journal. I saw she realizes all these things and wants to change. When I said the things I said tonight, she knew them and was reaching out for me to say them for her. . .not to coddle her anymore. The guy who does the website is a fucking nutcase, but he has some things right. And we are going to apply those things to us – I hope. And be better for them.
I’m looking forward to our lives and my “new” wife. Hopefully she will also get a new husband. I’m not perfect or anywhere near – but without as much angst against her, I hope to be better. Which in turn will make her better. We could have the perfect life.
Lastly, back to my earlier comment about not thinking she could change before. I know she can now. I saw her diet and exercise and show great will power. Better than I have. I used to think that my life was destined for fake happiness and a life of servitude to a person that I loved more than she loved me. Now I am hopeful that she can apply this energy into the rest of her life. She wants to be better in all aspects. First it was her body. Then into sex. Now it is into life.

My first blog entry

We just started LDD three days ago with our first maintenance spank last night. I started my first blog 20 seconds ago. I journaled last night and will copy and paste into this blog.