She just stormed upstairs and said goodnight. Good part is it ended with us saying that we were both upset. She didn't want to fight and was getting more and more upset and didn't want to say something she would regret and that we should talk about it tomorrow when we are both calm.
Then she went upstairs.
Tough day for our new "lifestyle."
She thinks I was an ass all day. I disagree that I was an ass all day, but let's accept her premise for the moment. Let's say I was an ass all day.
If I'm being an ass, does she have the right to fight back at me? To tell me I'm being an ass? To say no to me? When I ask her why she is pissed to not tell me even though I know it is b/c of me? If I'm mad and it is not her fault, do I have a right to be upset anyway and take it out on her? Probably not. But then, if she responds poorly to my poor behavior, THEN do I discipline her?
This is a tough call, especially with my wife. A problem I have always had with her, and I fell like we just went through this 5 minutes ago, is that if someone (usually me) does something bad or jerky, she feels like that opens the door and nothing is her fault afterward. Many many times in our marriage I have complained about her doing something or reacting in a way and her excuse is to go back to the beginning of the conversation, day, etc. Because I was in a bad mood, she did nothing wrong. Because I was in a bad mood, how can she believe me when I say she was acting badly? My view was scewed. She couldn't have been wrong.
Our first issue was that we were supposed to go swimming and our oldest was going to stay inside. I snapped at her because I was frustrated. Next thing I know, her cover up is on and she is inside. In the past, this would be an example of her acting passive aggressive and punishing me for snapping and saying she didn't want to swim anymore but not tell me why, just let me linger and steam. Well guess what, that is what she looked like she was doing. I asked why and she didn't tell me. Or she came up with the lame excuse that she didn't want our oldest to be inside without us? But that wasn't the case 2 minutes ago. I kept asking why she changed her mind and she wouldn't say. I asked if it was because of my snapping at her and she wouldn't say. Then while discussing it, she got on the phone and called someone.
Her take is that she was outside, checked the water temperature and decided it was too cold. Then came in. When I confronted her, she says she was aware of her tone and respect level and was good at both but didn't want to argue. Then she got up and got on the phone b/c she didn't want to argue. She thinks that b/c I was being an ass, she was right -- end of story.
(Also, I think she thinks I'm trying to take advantage of this lifestyle by thinking I can be a jerk and she just has to take it and that I'm overdoing the dominant thing sometimes. I'm not trying to. Really, I'm not. I am testing her often though. I think it is what she wants and needs. She wants to submit more and wants to be disciplined. . . except for when she is pissy. It is a battle of wills that I have always lost).
My take is that she should have said it was b/c the water was cold, not b/c of me and that would have been the end of it. Or she should have at least acted better when I was being a jerk. The whole thing kept getting me more and more mad b/c as I was being an ass and expecting her to submit, she kept putting me off more and more b/c I was being an ass, which made me more mad and wanting her to submit for anything and testing her over and over.
So, who is right? I don't know. And worst, I was supposed to do a maintanance spanking tonight and I have too much work and will probably miss it. Work is a lot right now and getting in the way of this.
Speaking of which, I should get back to it.
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I am commenting based on this pots as well as the previous one.
ReplyDeleteYour wife sounds much like me. In 15 years of marriage, before DD, I won every argument; I was always right - in my own mind - and I was successful in convincing my husband of it too. I would always point back to what HE did wrong that "made me" act the way I did. What I did not know was that deep inside, I desperately wanted him to win and "prove" that he was worthy of my respect. We've been living DD for almost 2 years and have seen such growth in intimacy and love.
The advantage of DD is not so much in controlling the external behavior. It does do that, but that is not enough. What makes it powerful and effective is when it makes an INTERNAL impact so that the woman actually FEELS HAPPY in the place of submission. When that happens, submission and obedience become EASY rather than a mere duty. (Honestly, what woman would want a punitive system for behavior control, without the emotional benefits?)
But for that to happen, you must *overpower* your wife. You have to WIN; consistently and fully. You should not walk away short of having her completely subdued and surrendered. This does not mean that you become an unfair, selfish tyrant. You can admit your mistake, but remind her, matter of factly and without being apologetic, that you will deal with HER actions.
You should not be apologetic or hesitant in appriaching discipline, even if she keeps pointing to your mistakes. Even if you make a mistake once in a while, you will gain her respect by holding a firm standard and following through. Most women in DD confess that they would rather have their husband error on the side of strictness than the other way around.
When she is not quite "there" (in the emotional head-space where submission happens freely and happily), she will say things that will make you doubt. When she is in the midst of her critical/angry mode, she will probably fight the discipline, verbally or emotionally. But again, you must not be deterred. You must not leave her short of being brought to full submission. Deep down, she wants to be freed from her own emotional/mental struggles so she can yield. (Trust me; it is miserable being in that place where you can't stop being critical of your husband, yet you know you need to stop.) If you will be strong (and confident) enough to bring her past her anger and frustration, she will be grateful to you. And the sure sign that she has reached the place of submission is if she is clinging to you, emotionally and physically. If there is any resistance, if she does not seem fully open with her affection, she needs further discipline. Tears are good, but not all tears indicate remorse; sometimes it can be from anger, frustration, or self-pity. My husband has learned to read me very well and won't hesitate to spank me again until I am fully surrendered, clinging to him. I actually want the same, as I discovered I'd rather be happy with a sore bottom than left frustrated and angry, trying to go through the external motions of submission.
Also, be careful not to let her speak too much during discipline, especially if she is in angry/critical mode. Don't let her speak of your faults during the time she should be focusing on her own actions. You must make it clear that YOU are in control. You can always discuss things after she has been brough to a good mindset.
Best wishes!
If you "want her to treat me affectionately and lovingly, " you have to treat her the same way. I think you're moving too fast adding ALDD so soon. Most women don't want to be humiliated. She wants to be spanked but reality is different from fantasy. Add submission spankings take control and stop the anal rape as punishment.
ReplyDeleteClaire
I must say I agree. We don't mind being Humbled, but not humiliated. Anal rape is not loving discipline. And don't forget the tenderness afterwards!!!
ReplyDelete