This morning I gave a peremptory spanking before I left. It really turned me on and I really wanted a blow job or to have sex. V asked if I wanted a blow job -- I could tell she wanted to give me one and was really turned on. I declined. Why? Am I crazy? No -- I just didn't want it to be sexual. I'm trying really hard to help V. I can tell she struggles with it and I know she knows that I am struggling too. If we are going to try to make this work the right way, then it has to be the right way and a peremptory punishment in the morning should be just that -- not foreplay.
I think she understood -- but she told me that she masturbated to orgasm with her vibrator 3 times before getting in the shower anyway.
The good news is she got in the shower and dressed before the kids were up. That has happened about zero times in the past few years and even less when she had no where to go all day. Her blog says she played with the kids, fed them healthy food, and actually cooked dinner. She did -- she used the oven for the first time in who knows how long.
Overall she had a great day, but she put in her blog that she may have been on the computer too much. The fact that she even had that thought is a step in the right direction. She seems committed to trying this and so far, the kids, me, and I think her, are better for it.
As punishment for being on the computer too long this afternoon, I punished her tonight by having her clean for an hour without tv or computer. I'm trying to make punishments fit the crime -- partly b/c I prefer that and also because I know her commitment is fragile and I don't want to be unfair.
Later, I heard her say to the kids, "I told you earlier not play with those" -- referring to plastic golf clubs. She was worried they would get hurt. Great, but they were playing with them for more than 5 minutes right in front of her before that and she was too busy on her laptop to notice. So for that, she received her first punishment. After the kids were in bed I had her strip. Then get over my knee. I spanked her pretty hard and she squirmed but took it. By the end, I could tell that I was reaching a point that was going to really really hurt or just mostly hurt. I chose to bail and make the excuse that this was only a 3 or 4 out of 10 because her crime was not that bad, but to remember that it could be much worse and then I hit her really hard twice with the paddle. She later told me that it wasn't that bad of a punishment but she would not want the 2 hard hits the whole time.
Truth is, I don't know if I quit b/c she did not commit a bad crime. I certainly wasn't thinking about that for the first 90% of the spanking. But then I saw she was in real pain and didn't want to hurt her. I hate causing her pain -- emotionally or physically. I bailed before it got too bad and I knew it, then I came up with a reason for bailing (kind of how I come up for a reason to not exercise or to eat something I shouldn't).
I don't know what I will do when she does something really deserving of harsh punishment -- probably bail like a pussy. I put on a good facade of power, but am worried that I'm a pussy at heart.
After the spanking, she curled into my arms. It was wonderful. I could tell she really loved me and appreciated my efforts. She told me how turned on she was by my strength and that my whining in the past was a turn off. She only thinks of me and is losing her fantasy world. I started off thinking this was a great compliment and was thrilled, then I thought -- Wow, apparently my wife used to not think of me and only her fantasy boyfriends/lovers. I must be a real undesirable pussy. Just as I was starting to worry that this was just a sex game to her, she asked to blow me. I originally said no b/c it was not supposed to be a sex game. Then I listened to her more and learned that her love for me seemed higher than ever before. She truly loves me right now and worships me and she loves it. She is happy and that makes me happy.
Long story short -- She gave me a great blow job (but really, it is not about the sex -- it was like she was making love to me, worshiping me). It was nice.
She then showed me how wet she was and asked if she could masturbate. I said yes and went to work out. But I told her after masturbating, she would have to clean for the hour. She said ok.
I went to work out and came back and I could tell she had been cleaning -- this is where things started to go downhill for the night.
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