Friday - rough 24 hours continued

Ok, so things were going well and we knew we needed a discipline session (really, both of us. . . she actually brings it up more than me).

So we put the kids to bed and we had an hour before she was going to leave, so I started the discipline in our room. She was trying to rationalize why we shouldn't do it then, but the more she talked, the more convinced I was that we should.

We are both really tired and if we didn't do it then, we may not do it at all b/c we could be too tired tonight (for instance, i just fell asleep a little while thinking of my next line to write).

It started well and I got her to cry (woo hoo, I can make my wife cry). I berated her with things to improve on and what she has done wrong (as I've been instructed by the LDD books and blog). She was crying for a bit, so I continued to spank her through it as instructed -- very exciting that I may have been doing it correctly.

Then I could tell she was not into it anymore. I asked her something and she snapped back a little. I could tell that mentally, she was done. She was pissed about something and would feel no more pain or remorse. I couldn't decide if I should keep going, luckily for my pussy ass, a kid called. I went to check on them and then gave her corner time for 10 minutes. I knew something was wrong but i didn't knwo exactly what. I asked what she was thinking and she said she was both thinking about herself and being angry with me. I told her that she should focus on her improvements, not her anger. . . apparantly this made her more angry because she spent the rest of the 10 minutes being more angry -- and I could tell. She then laid in my arms, but only b/c it was "in the script" -- she had no desire to be held by me. It hurt.

She said that there were some things I said while berating her that were unfair. She may be right. She handled it ok, she still hugged and kissed me and did not get mean or too angry with me.

I don't get a lot of things. How did she take that beating and not be bothered by it? When did she go from crying to mad? Was the crying only self pity as the book describes and not real remorse? How can I berate her for 30 minutes, when she has been so good this week. Yes there is a lot of room for improvement, but she has really done good and been WAY into me and the kids. I have been happy.

I'm still not sure about the punishment aspect they suggest. THere is something to be said for crying and realeasing tension and guilt. But berating and beating for 30 minutes is tough. I got a great result from 1 minute in the garage and the threat of cleaning my shit off my ass if I had to clean her shit with a plunger, adn other random punishments. . . but this one will need work.

She disagrees, but I think part of the problem is that she naturally blames others. It was ingrained in her since birth. Her whole family is like that. . . her brother's business goes under and well sure, he may have made a mistake or two, but it was really his partner's fault. Her brother doesn't have a job and won't take a test that would double his job opportunity, but its ok b/c he has enough stress and doesn't need that more stress and he is doing everything he can to get a job. . not his fault. It is ALWAYS someone else when it comes to her family.

I think the focus of her anger outweighing her own self awareness tonight had something to do with that. She subconsciously latched on to the ability to be mad at me which gave her an excuse to ignore the problems that she actually has.

Long story short, she was angry, but handled it well. She still spoke to me and kissed me as she left for her evening out. She also acknowledged that I felt bad and confirmed I did not do anything with long lasting effects and she loved me. . .this of course made me almost cry and she warned me that weak crying was a turnoff and i got myself together (see who is the HOH?) She orders me to stop crying. She basically orders me to punish her. -- we are both working on it.

I felt like shit and still kind of do. I feel like I screwed up our first punishment and was doing so well and made her cry and then fucked up. I actually ran out of things to berate her for and started stretching it. . . won't make that mistake again.

I feel bad that i screwed this up. One of the best things about this lifestyle is that we are so into each other. I did something that made her not into me. It sucks.