Between our first introductory and maintanance spanking

Just finished our first maintenance spanking as HOH. I think it went well. V was very nervous and scared beforehand and was looking for me to help her back out. But that is not what she needs. She needs strength from me and I am trying my best to provide it. I’ve let her get out of too many situations in our lives and she is weaker for it. She is, as she says, unappreciative, lazy, and not up to her potential. I used to think that maybe this was just the way she was. . . I blamed her mother and father for it (still do – her two brothers are unappreciative and have a complex that they deserve things without earning them). . . I didn’t think she could change and this was just the way she was.
A few years ago, I became really depressed and didn’t tell her about it – I just fought through it. I was depressed because I loved her so much and I knew I could never live without her or get away from her. . . but I also knew that I would spend the rest of my life in an unequal marriage with someone who did not love me as much as I loved her and did not appreciate how much I loved her. All I wanted was affection and to not worry about her loving me.
I understand that some of this was self created. When it comes to V, I am insecure. I know I am fat and not attractive to look at when naked. I know I have a small penis and that I am not good at sex. I do not last long and possibly have never made her orgasm with my penis. I am very self conscious of this. . . sometimes to the point of not wanting to have sex.
I have always been insecure of her love for me for multiple reasons. One of which is that she had sex with someone else. I was unable to do this. I always knew in my heart that I would try to end up with her and my love for her was so strong that I didn’t want to be that intimate with anyone else. Another reason is that it appeared clear to me that I have always loved her more than she loves me. Let me clarify. Since I broke her heart when she was 17, I have loved her more than she loves me. It was a mistake, but I was young, stupid, and listened to others advice. But it always became apparent that she took care of herself and I took care of her, but no one took care of me. No one has been looking out for what makes me happy. My mother sees it and I always deny it. But I see it too.
I am over the other person sex thing because I now understand it better. I am also, but very recently, getting over the idea that I love her more than she loves me. She has, in the past few months or about a year or so, shown me that she really truly loves me. I know it sucks that I need reminders and being assured. I know I’m weak when it comes to this. But I am sensitive and completely in love. I joke that she is my self worth. But it is true. Everything I do is to make her proud of me. I love her so much and don’t want to disappoint her. This would maybe be ok, if I wasn’t so scared of her. I’m scared of disappointing her and of not giving her what she wants. I know I say mean things sometimes about her being on the computer too much or cooking, etc but I get very frustrated. . . then I drop it and she smiles or kisses me and it is all ok. But it never leaves the back of my mind.
Seriously, what other house wife doesn’t cook – ever. Barely cleans. On days that the maid is coming the next day. . . she waits till I’m home from a day at work to start cleaning and for me to help. She says she can’t shower or clean with the kids all day. . . bullshit. I’ve been with both kids, cooked them a meal, put a load of laundry in and cleaned a room. I’m not superman, I just know I can do it. She needs to know this too. There are days that she drops Ben off at school, works out, sits in her car, picks him up, feeds him, puts him down for a nap, sits for 2 hours, drives to pick sam up and drives home – while listening to her music and making the kids watch a movie on mute – gives them a snack and lets them watch an hour and a half of tv before I come home and claims it has been a hard day and I need to do everything. . . and I’m such a schmuck – I do it – and cater to her all night.
It aggravates me so much. She can’t possibly love me and treat me this way.
The most difficult thing I dreaded tonight was criticizing her. First, who am I to criticize. I’m fat and lazy too. I walk past laundry and dishes too. I’m no better than her. I need to change too and hopefully I will. Second reason is because I didn’t know if she would accept it and be better or if she would fight back. She will always win a battle between us when winning means hurting the other more.
I got over all this when I read her journal. I saw she realizes all these things and wants to change. When I said the things I said tonight, she knew them and was reaching out for me to say them for her. . .not to coddle her anymore. The guy who does the website is a fucking nutcase, but he has some things right. And we are going to apply those things to us – I hope. And be better for them.
I’m looking forward to our lives and my “new” wife. Hopefully she will also get a new husband. I’m not perfect or anywhere near – but without as much angst against her, I hope to be better. Which in turn will make her better. We could have the perfect life.
Lastly, back to my earlier comment about not thinking she could change before. I know she can now. I saw her diet and exercise and show great will power. Better than I have. I used to think that my life was destined for fake happiness and a life of servitude to a person that I loved more than she loved me. Now I am hopeful that she can apply this energy into the rest of her life. She wants to be better in all aspects. First it was her body. Then into sex. Now it is into life.