She just stormed upstairs and said goodnight. Good part is it ended with us saying that we were both upset. She didn't want to fight and was getting more and more upset and didn't want to say something she would regret and that we should talk about it tomorrow when we are both calm.
Then she went upstairs.
Tough day for our new "lifestyle."
She thinks I was an ass all day. I disagree that I was an ass all day, but let's accept her premise for the moment. Let's say I was an ass all day.
If I'm being an ass, does she have the right to fight back at me? To tell me I'm being an ass? To say no to me? When I ask her why she is pissed to not tell me even though I know it is b/c of me? If I'm mad and it is not her fault, do I have a right to be upset anyway and take it out on her? Probably not. But then, if she responds poorly to my poor behavior, THEN do I discipline her?
This is a tough call, especially with my wife. A problem I have always had with her, and I fell like we just went through this 5 minutes ago, is that if someone (usually me) does something bad or jerky, she feels like that opens the door and nothing is her fault afterward. Many many times in our marriage I have complained about her doing something or reacting in a way and her excuse is to go back to the beginning of the conversation, day, etc. Because I was in a bad mood, she did nothing wrong. Because I was in a bad mood, how can she believe me when I say she was acting badly? My view was scewed. She couldn't have been wrong.
Our first issue was that we were supposed to go swimming and our oldest was going to stay inside. I snapped at her because I was frustrated. Next thing I know, her cover up is on and she is inside. In the past, this would be an example of her acting passive aggressive and punishing me for snapping and saying she didn't want to swim anymore but not tell me why, just let me linger and steam. Well guess what, that is what she looked like she was doing. I asked why and she didn't tell me. Or she came up with the lame excuse that she didn't want our oldest to be inside without us? But that wasn't the case 2 minutes ago. I kept asking why she changed her mind and she wouldn't say. I asked if it was because of my snapping at her and she wouldn't say. Then while discussing it, she got on the phone and called someone.
Her take is that she was outside, checked the water temperature and decided it was too cold. Then came in. When I confronted her, she says she was aware of her tone and respect level and was good at both but didn't want to argue. Then she got up and got on the phone b/c she didn't want to argue. She thinks that b/c I was being an ass, she was right -- end of story.
(Also, I think she thinks I'm trying to take advantage of this lifestyle by thinking I can be a jerk and she just has to take it and that I'm overdoing the dominant thing sometimes. I'm not trying to. Really, I'm not. I am testing her often though. I think it is what she wants and needs. She wants to submit more and wants to be disciplined. . . except for when she is pissy. It is a battle of wills that I have always lost).
My take is that she should have said it was b/c the water was cold, not b/c of me and that would have been the end of it. Or she should have at least acted better when I was being a jerk. The whole thing kept getting me more and more mad b/c as I was being an ass and expecting her to submit, she kept putting me off more and more b/c I was being an ass, which made me more mad and wanting her to submit for anything and testing her over and over.
So, who is right? I don't know. And worst, I was supposed to do a maintanance spanking tonight and I have too much work and will probably miss it. Work is a lot right now and getting in the way of this.
Speaking of which, I should get back to it.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Friday - rough 24 hours continued
Ok, so things were going well and we knew we needed a discipline session (really, both of us. . . she actually brings it up more than me).
So we put the kids to bed and we had an hour before she was going to leave, so I started the discipline in our room. She was trying to rationalize why we shouldn't do it then, but the more she talked, the more convinced I was that we should.
We are both really tired and if we didn't do it then, we may not do it at all b/c we could be too tired tonight (for instance, i just fell asleep a little while thinking of my next line to write).
It started well and I got her to cry (woo hoo, I can make my wife cry). I berated her with things to improve on and what she has done wrong (as I've been instructed by the LDD books and blog). She was crying for a bit, so I continued to spank her through it as instructed -- very exciting that I may have been doing it correctly.
Then I could tell she was not into it anymore. I asked her something and she snapped back a little. I could tell that mentally, she was done. She was pissed about something and would feel no more pain or remorse. I couldn't decide if I should keep going, luckily for my pussy ass, a kid called. I went to check on them and then gave her corner time for 10 minutes. I knew something was wrong but i didn't knwo exactly what. I asked what she was thinking and she said she was both thinking about herself and being angry with me. I told her that she should focus on her improvements, not her anger. . . apparantly this made her more angry because she spent the rest of the 10 minutes being more angry -- and I could tell. She then laid in my arms, but only b/c it was "in the script" -- she had no desire to be held by me. It hurt.
She said that there were some things I said while berating her that were unfair. She may be right. She handled it ok, she still hugged and kissed me and did not get mean or too angry with me.
I don't get a lot of things. How did she take that beating and not be bothered by it? When did she go from crying to mad? Was the crying only self pity as the book describes and not real remorse? How can I berate her for 30 minutes, when she has been so good this week. Yes there is a lot of room for improvement, but she has really done good and been WAY into me and the kids. I have been happy.
I'm still not sure about the punishment aspect they suggest. THere is something to be said for crying and realeasing tension and guilt. But berating and beating for 30 minutes is tough. I got a great result from 1 minute in the garage and the threat of cleaning my shit off my ass if I had to clean her shit with a plunger, adn other random punishments. . . but this one will need work.
She disagrees, but I think part of the problem is that she naturally blames others. It was ingrained in her since birth. Her whole family is like that. . . her brother's business goes under and well sure, he may have made a mistake or two, but it was really his partner's fault. Her brother doesn't have a job and won't take a test that would double his job opportunity, but its ok b/c he has enough stress and doesn't need that more stress and he is doing everything he can to get a job. . not his fault. It is ALWAYS someone else when it comes to her family.
I think the focus of her anger outweighing her own self awareness tonight had something to do with that. She subconsciously latched on to the ability to be mad at me which gave her an excuse to ignore the problems that she actually has.
Long story short, she was angry, but handled it well. She still spoke to me and kissed me as she left for her evening out. She also acknowledged that I felt bad and confirmed I did not do anything with long lasting effects and she loved me. . .this of course made me almost cry and she warned me that weak crying was a turnoff and i got myself together (see who is the HOH?) She orders me to stop crying. She basically orders me to punish her. -- we are both working on it.
I felt like shit and still kind of do. I feel like I screwed up our first punishment and was doing so well and made her cry and then fucked up. I actually ran out of things to berate her for and started stretching it. . . won't make that mistake again.
I feel bad that i screwed this up. One of the best things about this lifestyle is that we are so into each other. I did something that made her not into me. It sucks.
So we put the kids to bed and we had an hour before she was going to leave, so I started the discipline in our room. She was trying to rationalize why we shouldn't do it then, but the more she talked, the more convinced I was that we should.
We are both really tired and if we didn't do it then, we may not do it at all b/c we could be too tired tonight (for instance, i just fell asleep a little while thinking of my next line to write).
It started well and I got her to cry (woo hoo, I can make my wife cry). I berated her with things to improve on and what she has done wrong (as I've been instructed by the LDD books and blog). She was crying for a bit, so I continued to spank her through it as instructed -- very exciting that I may have been doing it correctly.
Then I could tell she was not into it anymore. I asked her something and she snapped back a little. I could tell that mentally, she was done. She was pissed about something and would feel no more pain or remorse. I couldn't decide if I should keep going, luckily for my pussy ass, a kid called. I went to check on them and then gave her corner time for 10 minutes. I knew something was wrong but i didn't knwo exactly what. I asked what she was thinking and she said she was both thinking about herself and being angry with me. I told her that she should focus on her improvements, not her anger. . . apparantly this made her more angry because she spent the rest of the 10 minutes being more angry -- and I could tell. She then laid in my arms, but only b/c it was "in the script" -- she had no desire to be held by me. It hurt.
She said that there were some things I said while berating her that were unfair. She may be right. She handled it ok, she still hugged and kissed me and did not get mean or too angry with me.
I don't get a lot of things. How did she take that beating and not be bothered by it? When did she go from crying to mad? Was the crying only self pity as the book describes and not real remorse? How can I berate her for 30 minutes, when she has been so good this week. Yes there is a lot of room for improvement, but she has really done good and been WAY into me and the kids. I have been happy.
I'm still not sure about the punishment aspect they suggest. THere is something to be said for crying and realeasing tension and guilt. But berating and beating for 30 minutes is tough. I got a great result from 1 minute in the garage and the threat of cleaning my shit off my ass if I had to clean her shit with a plunger, adn other random punishments. . . but this one will need work.
She disagrees, but I think part of the problem is that she naturally blames others. It was ingrained in her since birth. Her whole family is like that. . . her brother's business goes under and well sure, he may have made a mistake or two, but it was really his partner's fault. Her brother doesn't have a job and won't take a test that would double his job opportunity, but its ok b/c he has enough stress and doesn't need that more stress and he is doing everything he can to get a job. . not his fault. It is ALWAYS someone else when it comes to her family.
I think the focus of her anger outweighing her own self awareness tonight had something to do with that. She subconsciously latched on to the ability to be mad at me which gave her an excuse to ignore the problems that she actually has.
Long story short, she was angry, but handled it well. She still spoke to me and kissed me as she left for her evening out. She also acknowledged that I felt bad and confirmed I did not do anything with long lasting effects and she loved me. . .this of course made me almost cry and she warned me that weak crying was a turnoff and i got myself together (see who is the HOH?) She orders me to stop crying. She basically orders me to punish her. -- we are both working on it.
I felt like shit and still kind of do. I feel like I screwed up our first punishment and was doing so well and made her cry and then fucked up. I actually ran out of things to berate her for and started stretching it. . . won't make that mistake again.
I feel bad that i screwed this up. One of the best things about this lifestyle is that we are so into each other. I did something that made her not into me. It sucks.
Friday -- rough 24 hours
Yesterday afternoon I got a tough work assignment around 3:30 that took a ton of time. I worked till midnight and got up really early. I'm very tired.
This morning I left for work early and was running late and forgot to give a preemptive spanking for the first time this week. I was shocked that it was so needed.
I had a deposition (I'm a lawyer) near my house so I left work a little early so that I could come home and get a kiss just because I knew I could and I thought that would be neat. I called her on the way to let her know and I could tell from the way she answered the phone that she was in a bad mood. I asked what was wrong and she "snappily" told me the dogs, kids, etc were a problem. She didn't ask how I was or care. She was caught up in her own world and a bit of "woe is me." She then told me not to come home for the kiss and basically hung up on me. I knew that she was trying to be respectful, but was having a hard time and was flustered.
I kept driving and decided that now would be a good time for a punishment. I called her back as I approached the house and told her to meet me in the garage. She came out, I could tell she knew what was going to happen and she had that rolling of the eyes smirk, but I was not backing down (she has told me how great it is when I'm commanding and I'm consciously working on it b/c it does not always come naturally). I kissed her and told her it would be ok, then told her to drop her pants and bend over the car. I spanked her with the belt and saw a transformation take place. I knew right then, that the rest of the day would be easier for her and she would be a better wife/mom. She kissed me deeply and went in, but not before I told her that if she didn't improve today, she would be grounded tonight and not able to go out with her girlfriend to see a movie -- also that she would be spanked tonight.
I came home later, flustered, and took some stress out on her, but she handled it well. She is really really trying and it is good. I can see it in the house, the kids, myself, and her. We all love the new Mrs.
This morning I left for work early and was running late and forgot to give a preemptive spanking for the first time this week. I was shocked that it was so needed.
I had a deposition (I'm a lawyer) near my house so I left work a little early so that I could come home and get a kiss just because I knew I could and I thought that would be neat. I called her on the way to let her know and I could tell from the way she answered the phone that she was in a bad mood. I asked what was wrong and she "snappily" told me the dogs, kids, etc were a problem. She didn't ask how I was or care. She was caught up in her own world and a bit of "woe is me." She then told me not to come home for the kiss and basically hung up on me. I knew that she was trying to be respectful, but was having a hard time and was flustered.
I kept driving and decided that now would be a good time for a punishment. I called her back as I approached the house and told her to meet me in the garage. She came out, I could tell she knew what was going to happen and she had that rolling of the eyes smirk, but I was not backing down (she has told me how great it is when I'm commanding and I'm consciously working on it b/c it does not always come naturally). I kissed her and told her it would be ok, then told her to drop her pants and bend over the car. I spanked her with the belt and saw a transformation take place. I knew right then, that the rest of the day would be easier for her and she would be a better wife/mom. She kissed me deeply and went in, but not before I told her that if she didn't improve today, she would be grounded tonight and not able to go out with her girlfriend to see a movie -- also that she would be spanked tonight.
I came home later, flustered, and took some stress out on her, but she handled it well. She is really really trying and it is good. I can see it in the house, the kids, myself, and her. We all love the new Mrs.
This is actually working -- Should have been posted Thursday
Wednesday night I had the best night of sleep I've had since before I was married. Why? Because my love curled up into me and let me spoon her/cuddle with her while we slept. We used to do that in college, but since we've been married -- she always says she is too hot, or it hurts her back, but I LOVE holding her all night. I feel like she is finally starting to love me and give me the affection that I have always felt for her. It was a great night. We made love and I held her all night. A dream that I've had for a long time and haven't done in a long long time.
She has made a lot of real improvements. The house is still great, she is doing better with the kids, she is WAY into me (which I love), and is making great efforts.
The problem is still in her natural reactions, which are guarded and shielded. For years, I tried to explain to her that her first reaction was "no" and then she would calm down, think and say maybe or yes. . . but it was always an immediate no. Now she is better with that. Similarly, her reactions are disrespectful. She treats me with respect and adoration, but only part time and almost like it is only when she is turned on or playing the game. We need to get this past a game and into a long lasting lifestyle. Of course it has been less than a week and she is trying.
I stayed home from work today and it was GREAT while she was home. We had really good sex. I was playing piano and she came to listen and sit with me. We kissed a long time and then I couldn't take it anymore so i took her into the bathroom and picked her up on the counter. Eventually we ended up on the couch in the family room. It was fun and neat for us to be SOOOO into each other.
I really hope this lasts.
She has made a lot of real improvements. The house is still great, she is doing better with the kids, she is WAY into me (which I love), and is making great efforts.
The problem is still in her natural reactions, which are guarded and shielded. For years, I tried to explain to her that her first reaction was "no" and then she would calm down, think and say maybe or yes. . . but it was always an immediate no. Now she is better with that. Similarly, her reactions are disrespectful. She treats me with respect and adoration, but only part time and almost like it is only when she is turned on or playing the game. We need to get this past a game and into a long lasting lifestyle. Of course it has been less than a week and she is trying.
I stayed home from work today and it was GREAT while she was home. We had really good sex. I was playing piano and she came to listen and sit with me. We kissed a long time and then I couldn't take it anymore so i took her into the bathroom and picked her up on the counter. Eventually we ended up on the couch in the family room. It was fun and neat for us to be SOOOO into each other.
I really hope this lasts.
Haven't posted in a while
I've been busy and lax on my blogging so I will try to summarize my thoughts for the last few days
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
One last thing
One last thing. I have now been blogging for about an hour. I have gotten no work done (normal for when I'm emotionally upset about my wife loving or not loving me at the moment).
If I had just cleaned quickly, fucked her, showered, and come downstairs to work. .. . I might be done by now.
Ugh
If I had just cleaned quickly, fucked her, showered, and come downstairs to work. .. . I might be done by now.
Ugh
Responding to my love's post
I just asked my love to read my blog and she can't deal right now. She wants to be alone. Understandable I guess, but scary because this is her pre LDD reaction. Not her post LDD reaction. I knew these things would happen -- her drawing in and being pre LDD. Didn't have a good game plan going in and dealing with it poorly now.
In her blog, she talks about the discipline and her adoration for me.
She says she was confused by my reactions when I came upstairs. She was cleaning for me and still very into the adoration mode -- probably what motivated her to clean.
I came up from working out, sweaty and sore, and saw a huge pile of bags for me to carry downstairs. Then I saw the room and I could tell she had been working, but shittily commented that it did not seem like much had been done. Ok look, I know she worked hard and I know stuff was done, but I was so immediatly overwhelmed with the amount of work that was left to do -- that I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO DO, I got pissy. Then she starts telling me that she doesn't know what to do with this and this and that. Well that has always been code for (and we both do this). . . take care of this because I put in a little effort and the rest requires thought and more effort, so you take care of it. "There's a whole bunch of Disneyworld stuff that I don't know what to do with" Well what should I do with it? "I don't know what to do with the top of the dresser" Well, when I left, you said you would get everything off except for my stuff and it looks like you didn't touch it. Then the groping and ear licking occurred as I'm cleaning the dresser and realizing that only about 60-70% of it was mine and thinking that she didn't even try, therefore, I have to clean the dresser, clean the Disneyworld stuff, carry things, do another hour of cleaning work, then do my office work that I brought home so that I could leave work early enough to have dinner with my family, then shower, then try to relax and go to bed.
Was this fair of me? Did I handle it right? Probably not. I handled it the way I used to handle it -- with passive aggresiveness-- which is wrong for both of us. What I should have done as HOH was point all this out to her, then make her strip, and clean the rest of the room by herself without help, then when she was finished, go to the corner and think about it (or something like that).
But even that would have taken time away from the shit I had to do. Also, I didn't think about it b/c I was pissy.
She "shut down" as she puts it -- good description. I hate when she does that. I don't know how to act. And being HOH, I really don't know how to act. Was that the perfect time to strip her and break her down emotionally and physically to submit to me? Maybe. Looking back on it -- probably. I got hurt that she was hurt and went pussy for the rest of the evening and continue to as I type. At first, I tried to be the "sexy alpha HOH" for her, but I could tell she wasn't in the mood.
I don't always know what to do. . . Shit, I'm making this up as I go along.
She put it best when she wrote that we are flying blind in this lifestyle. We are both trying to work it out.
In her blog she does acknowledge that she did not retaliate at me when she got hurt and that was a big step. I agree. I saw the thoughts going through her head, I gave her a chance to attack, and she didn't. If nothing else, that was a good step. Then in the laundry room, she was in no mood for me, but she let me kiss her. . . another good step.
Also, if I'm going to be completely honest as I sit here and reflect. I was mad at myself when I came upstairs. I planned to excersice and run on the treadmill. My heel hurts and I cut it short. Also, because I'm fat and out of shape. Then I did some push ups and then just sat around a little. A waste of an attempt to work out, but at least I walked almost a mile and did 20 push ups and then my shoulder hurt and I got pissed about that.
Bottom line, I walked up a little pissy then might have been looking for reasons to be more pissy.
If I were not in a bad mood, I might have handled her "not know what to do" with a dresser top half full of her clothes in a better HOH kind of way.
I'll work on it.
In her blog, she talks about the discipline and her adoration for me.
She says she was confused by my reactions when I came upstairs. She was cleaning for me and still very into the adoration mode -- probably what motivated her to clean.
I came up from working out, sweaty and sore, and saw a huge pile of bags for me to carry downstairs. Then I saw the room and I could tell she had been working, but shittily commented that it did not seem like much had been done. Ok look, I know she worked hard and I know stuff was done, but I was so immediatly overwhelmed with the amount of work that was left to do -- that I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO DO, I got pissy. Then she starts telling me that she doesn't know what to do with this and this and that. Well that has always been code for (and we both do this). . . take care of this because I put in a little effort and the rest requires thought and more effort, so you take care of it. "There's a whole bunch of Disneyworld stuff that I don't know what to do with" Well what should I do with it? "I don't know what to do with the top of the dresser" Well, when I left, you said you would get everything off except for my stuff and it looks like you didn't touch it. Then the groping and ear licking occurred as I'm cleaning the dresser and realizing that only about 60-70% of it was mine and thinking that she didn't even try, therefore, I have to clean the dresser, clean the Disneyworld stuff, carry things, do another hour of cleaning work, then do my office work that I brought home so that I could leave work early enough to have dinner with my family, then shower, then try to relax and go to bed.
Was this fair of me? Did I handle it right? Probably not. I handled it the way I used to handle it -- with passive aggresiveness-- which is wrong for both of us. What I should have done as HOH was point all this out to her, then make her strip, and clean the rest of the room by herself without help, then when she was finished, go to the corner and think about it (or something like that).
But even that would have taken time away from the shit I had to do. Also, I didn't think about it b/c I was pissy.
She "shut down" as she puts it -- good description. I hate when she does that. I don't know how to act. And being HOH, I really don't know how to act. Was that the perfect time to strip her and break her down emotionally and physically to submit to me? Maybe. Looking back on it -- probably. I got hurt that she was hurt and went pussy for the rest of the evening and continue to as I type. At first, I tried to be the "sexy alpha HOH" for her, but I could tell she wasn't in the mood.
I don't always know what to do. . . Shit, I'm making this up as I go along.
She put it best when she wrote that we are flying blind in this lifestyle. We are both trying to work it out.
In her blog she does acknowledge that she did not retaliate at me when she got hurt and that was a big step. I agree. I saw the thoughts going through her head, I gave her a chance to attack, and she didn't. If nothing else, that was a good step. Then in the laundry room, she was in no mood for me, but she let me kiss her. . . another good step.
Also, if I'm going to be completely honest as I sit here and reflect. I was mad at myself when I came upstairs. I planned to excersice and run on the treadmill. My heel hurts and I cut it short. Also, because I'm fat and out of shape. Then I did some push ups and then just sat around a little. A waste of an attempt to work out, but at least I walked almost a mile and did 20 push ups and then my shoulder hurt and I got pissed about that.
Bottom line, I walked up a little pissy then might have been looking for reasons to be more pissy.
If I were not in a bad mood, I might have handled her "not know what to do" with a dresser top half full of her clothes in a better HOH kind of way.
I'll work on it.
Day 3 continued -- when things started going south
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Day 3 - things are great and things are tough
This morning I gave a peremptory spanking before I left. It really turned me on and I really wanted a blow job or to have sex. V asked if I wanted a blow job -- I could tell she wanted to give me one and was really turned on. I declined. Why? Am I crazy? No -- I just didn't want it to be sexual. I'm trying really hard to help V. I can tell she struggles with it and I know she knows that I am struggling too. If we are going to try to make this work the right way, then it has to be the right way and a peremptory punishment in the morning should be just that -- not foreplay.
I think she understood -- but she told me that she masturbated to orgasm with her vibrator 3 times before getting in the shower anyway.
The good news is she got in the shower and dressed before the kids were up. That has happened about zero times in the past few years and even less when she had no where to go all day. Her blog says she played with the kids, fed them healthy food, and actually cooked dinner. She did -- she used the oven for the first time in who knows how long.
Overall she had a great day, but she put in her blog that she may have been on the computer too much. The fact that she even had that thought is a step in the right direction. She seems committed to trying this and so far, the kids, me, and I think her, are better for it.
As punishment for being on the computer too long this afternoon, I punished her tonight by having her clean for an hour without tv or computer. I'm trying to make punishments fit the crime -- partly b/c I prefer that and also because I know her commitment is fragile and I don't want to be unfair.
Later, I heard her say to the kids, "I told you earlier not play with those" -- referring to plastic golf clubs. She was worried they would get hurt. Great, but they were playing with them for more than 5 minutes right in front of her before that and she was too busy on her laptop to notice. So for that, she received her first punishment. After the kids were in bed I had her strip. Then get over my knee. I spanked her pretty hard and she squirmed but took it. By the end, I could tell that I was reaching a point that was going to really really hurt or just mostly hurt. I chose to bail and make the excuse that this was only a 3 or 4 out of 10 because her crime was not that bad, but to remember that it could be much worse and then I hit her really hard twice with the paddle. She later told me that it wasn't that bad of a punishment but she would not want the 2 hard hits the whole time.
Truth is, I don't know if I quit b/c she did not commit a bad crime. I certainly wasn't thinking about that for the first 90% of the spanking. But then I saw she was in real pain and didn't want to hurt her. I hate causing her pain -- emotionally or physically. I bailed before it got too bad and I knew it, then I came up with a reason for bailing (kind of how I come up for a reason to not exercise or to eat something I shouldn't).
I don't know what I will do when she does something really deserving of harsh punishment -- probably bail like a pussy. I put on a good facade of power, but am worried that I'm a pussy at heart.
After the spanking, she curled into my arms. It was wonderful. I could tell she really loved me and appreciated my efforts. She told me how turned on she was by my strength and that my whining in the past was a turn off. She only thinks of me and is losing her fantasy world. I started off thinking this was a great compliment and was thrilled, then I thought -- Wow, apparently my wife used to not think of me and only her fantasy boyfriends/lovers. I must be a real undesirable pussy. Just as I was starting to worry that this was just a sex game to her, she asked to blow me. I originally said no b/c it was not supposed to be a sex game. Then I listened to her more and learned that her love for me seemed higher than ever before. She truly loves me right now and worships me and she loves it. She is happy and that makes me happy.
Long story short -- She gave me a great blow job (but really, it is not about the sex -- it was like she was making love to me, worshiping me). It was nice.
She then showed me how wet she was and asked if she could masturbate. I said yes and went to work out. But I told her after masturbating, she would have to clean for the hour. She said ok.
I went to work out and came back and I could tell she had been cleaning -- this is where things started to go downhill for the night.
I think she understood -- but she told me that she masturbated to orgasm with her vibrator 3 times before getting in the shower anyway.
The good news is she got in the shower and dressed before the kids were up. That has happened about zero times in the past few years and even less when she had no where to go all day. Her blog says she played with the kids, fed them healthy food, and actually cooked dinner. She did -- she used the oven for the first time in who knows how long.
Overall she had a great day, but she put in her blog that she may have been on the computer too much. The fact that she even had that thought is a step in the right direction. She seems committed to trying this and so far, the kids, me, and I think her, are better for it.
As punishment for being on the computer too long this afternoon, I punished her tonight by having her clean for an hour without tv or computer. I'm trying to make punishments fit the crime -- partly b/c I prefer that and also because I know her commitment is fragile and I don't want to be unfair.
Later, I heard her say to the kids, "I told you earlier not play with those" -- referring to plastic golf clubs. She was worried they would get hurt. Great, but they were playing with them for more than 5 minutes right in front of her before that and she was too busy on her laptop to notice. So for that, she received her first punishment. After the kids were in bed I had her strip. Then get over my knee. I spanked her pretty hard and she squirmed but took it. By the end, I could tell that I was reaching a point that was going to really really hurt or just mostly hurt. I chose to bail and make the excuse that this was only a 3 or 4 out of 10 because her crime was not that bad, but to remember that it could be much worse and then I hit her really hard twice with the paddle. She later told me that it wasn't that bad of a punishment but she would not want the 2 hard hits the whole time.
Truth is, I don't know if I quit b/c she did not commit a bad crime. I certainly wasn't thinking about that for the first 90% of the spanking. But then I saw she was in real pain and didn't want to hurt her. I hate causing her pain -- emotionally or physically. I bailed before it got too bad and I knew it, then I came up with a reason for bailing (kind of how I come up for a reason to not exercise or to eat something I shouldn't).
I don't know what I will do when she does something really deserving of harsh punishment -- probably bail like a pussy. I put on a good facade of power, but am worried that I'm a pussy at heart.
After the spanking, she curled into my arms. It was wonderful. I could tell she really loved me and appreciated my efforts. She told me how turned on she was by my strength and that my whining in the past was a turn off. She only thinks of me and is losing her fantasy world. I started off thinking this was a great compliment and was thrilled, then I thought -- Wow, apparently my wife used to not think of me and only her fantasy boyfriends/lovers. I must be a real undesirable pussy. Just as I was starting to worry that this was just a sex game to her, she asked to blow me. I originally said no b/c it was not supposed to be a sex game. Then I listened to her more and learned that her love for me seemed higher than ever before. She truly loves me right now and worships me and she loves it. She is happy and that makes me happy.
Long story short -- She gave me a great blow job (but really, it is not about the sex -- it was like she was making love to me, worshiping me). It was nice.
She then showed me how wet she was and asked if she could masturbate. I said yes and went to work out. But I told her after masturbating, she would have to clean for the hour. She said ok.
I went to work out and came back and I could tell she had been cleaning -- this is where things started to go downhill for the night.
Monday, May 25, 2009
First day as HOH
Today went well. V woke up with kids and helped make sausage and eggs for first time -- that's right, first time she's helped cook breakfast that did not involve a toaster or microwave and our oldest is 5. Shocked when she suggested taking a picture b/c I do this more often. I think she was suprised and a bit saddened that our 5 and 3 year old knew how to crack an egg and stir the bowl -- but she had never taught them or seen it. She is having a lot of realizations lately -- all for the better.
We went to my parent's home for Memorial Day. Her planned ideas went well -- kissing me, cleaning, clearing dishes, but her instinctive responses to me leave a bit to be desired. She is still naturally insulting and "above" me. . . she needs to really commit and it is not natural for her yet. But I know she is trying.
My family was SHOCKED that she helped clean up after lunch. SHOCKED. Made both of us realize how bad she has been. I was so proud of her for working on this today. Kind fo feel like I am helping a drug addict. As we work on it, I am realizing how far gone she was and how embarrising it should have been. . . but now i'm just so proud of every little step she takes. Even cleaning some dishes makes me proud and turned on by her. I'm trying to work on baby steps and not ask too much of her too quick, but I'm worried that I may be too soft. I have given her some warnings in the past 24 hours -- I'm torn between disciplining her for everything and warning her -- I'm warning for things she does not think of and telling herthat it is not ok. If I disciplined her for everything right now, she wouldn't be able to walk . . .so I think I will discipline her for knowledgable infractions and warn her 1 time for those that I know she does not even know about.
Setting up this blog may be very good for us. She has one too www.adoresHOH.blogspot.com.
We went to my parent's home for Memorial Day. Her planned ideas went well -- kissing me, cleaning, clearing dishes, but her instinctive responses to me leave a bit to be desired. She is still naturally insulting and "above" me. . . she needs to really commit and it is not natural for her yet. But I know she is trying.
My family was SHOCKED that she helped clean up after lunch. SHOCKED. Made both of us realize how bad she has been. I was so proud of her for working on this today. Kind fo feel like I am helping a drug addict. As we work on it, I am realizing how far gone she was and how embarrising it should have been. . . but now i'm just so proud of every little step she takes. Even cleaning some dishes makes me proud and turned on by her. I'm trying to work on baby steps and not ask too much of her too quick, but I'm worried that I may be too soft. I have given her some warnings in the past 24 hours -- I'm torn between disciplining her for everything and warning her -- I'm warning for things she does not think of and telling herthat it is not ok. If I disciplined her for everything right now, she wouldn't be able to walk . . .so I think I will discipline her for knowledgable infractions and warn her 1 time for those that I know she does not even know about.
Setting up this blog may be very good for us. She has one too www.adoresHOH.blogspot.com.
Between our first introductory and maintanance spanking
Just finished our first maintenance spanking as HOH. I think it went well. V was very nervous and scared beforehand and was looking for me to help her back out. But that is not what she needs. She needs strength from me and I am trying my best to provide it. I’ve let her get out of too many situations in our lives and she is weaker for it. She is, as she says, unappreciative, lazy, and not up to her potential. I used to think that maybe this was just the way she was. . . I blamed her mother and father for it (still do – her two brothers are unappreciative and have a complex that they deserve things without earning them). . . I didn’t think she could change and this was just the way she was.
A few years ago, I became really depressed and didn’t tell her about it – I just fought through it. I was depressed because I loved her so much and I knew I could never live without her or get away from her. . . but I also knew that I would spend the rest of my life in an unequal marriage with someone who did not love me as much as I loved her and did not appreciate how much I loved her. All I wanted was affection and to not worry about her loving me.
I understand that some of this was self created. When it comes to V, I am insecure. I know I am fat and not attractive to look at when naked. I know I have a small penis and that I am not good at sex. I do not last long and possibly have never made her orgasm with my penis. I am very self conscious of this. . . sometimes to the point of not wanting to have sex.
I have always been insecure of her love for me for multiple reasons. One of which is that she had sex with someone else. I was unable to do this. I always knew in my heart that I would try to end up with her and my love for her was so strong that I didn’t want to be that intimate with anyone else. Another reason is that it appeared clear to me that I have always loved her more than she loves me. Let me clarify. Since I broke her heart when she was 17, I have loved her more than she loves me. It was a mistake, but I was young, stupid, and listened to others advice. But it always became apparent that she took care of herself and I took care of her, but no one took care of me. No one has been looking out for what makes me happy. My mother sees it and I always deny it. But I see it too.
I am over the other person sex thing because I now understand it better. I am also, but very recently, getting over the idea that I love her more than she loves me. She has, in the past few months or about a year or so, shown me that she really truly loves me. I know it sucks that I need reminders and being assured. I know I’m weak when it comes to this. But I am sensitive and completely in love. I joke that she is my self worth. But it is true. Everything I do is to make her proud of me. I love her so much and don’t want to disappoint her. This would maybe be ok, if I wasn’t so scared of her. I’m scared of disappointing her and of not giving her what she wants. I know I say mean things sometimes about her being on the computer too much or cooking, etc but I get very frustrated. . . then I drop it and she smiles or kisses me and it is all ok. But it never leaves the back of my mind.
Seriously, what other house wife doesn’t cook – ever. Barely cleans. On days that the maid is coming the next day. . . she waits till I’m home from a day at work to start cleaning and for me to help. She says she can’t shower or clean with the kids all day. . . bullshit. I’ve been with both kids, cooked them a meal, put a load of laundry in and cleaned a room. I’m not superman, I just know I can do it. She needs to know this too. There are days that she drops Ben off at school, works out, sits in her car, picks him up, feeds him, puts him down for a nap, sits for 2 hours, drives to pick sam up and drives home – while listening to her music and making the kids watch a movie on mute – gives them a snack and lets them watch an hour and a half of tv before I come home and claims it has been a hard day and I need to do everything. . . and I’m such a schmuck – I do it – and cater to her all night.
It aggravates me so much. She can’t possibly love me and treat me this way.
The most difficult thing I dreaded tonight was criticizing her. First, who am I to criticize. I’m fat and lazy too. I walk past laundry and dishes too. I’m no better than her. I need to change too and hopefully I will. Second reason is because I didn’t know if she would accept it and be better or if she would fight back. She will always win a battle between us when winning means hurting the other more.
I got over all this when I read her journal. I saw she realizes all these things and wants to change. When I said the things I said tonight, she knew them and was reaching out for me to say them for her. . .not to coddle her anymore. The guy who does the website is a fucking nutcase, but he has some things right. And we are going to apply those things to us – I hope. And be better for them.
I’m looking forward to our lives and my “new” wife. Hopefully she will also get a new husband. I’m not perfect or anywhere near – but without as much angst against her, I hope to be better. Which in turn will make her better. We could have the perfect life.
Lastly, back to my earlier comment about not thinking she could change before. I know she can now. I saw her diet and exercise and show great will power. Better than I have. I used to think that my life was destined for fake happiness and a life of servitude to a person that I loved more than she loved me. Now I am hopeful that she can apply this energy into the rest of her life. She wants to be better in all aspects. First it was her body. Then into sex. Now it is into life.
A few years ago, I became really depressed and didn’t tell her about it – I just fought through it. I was depressed because I loved her so much and I knew I could never live without her or get away from her. . . but I also knew that I would spend the rest of my life in an unequal marriage with someone who did not love me as much as I loved her and did not appreciate how much I loved her. All I wanted was affection and to not worry about her loving me.
I understand that some of this was self created. When it comes to V, I am insecure. I know I am fat and not attractive to look at when naked. I know I have a small penis and that I am not good at sex. I do not last long and possibly have never made her orgasm with my penis. I am very self conscious of this. . . sometimes to the point of not wanting to have sex.
I have always been insecure of her love for me for multiple reasons. One of which is that she had sex with someone else. I was unable to do this. I always knew in my heart that I would try to end up with her and my love for her was so strong that I didn’t want to be that intimate with anyone else. Another reason is that it appeared clear to me that I have always loved her more than she loves me. Let me clarify. Since I broke her heart when she was 17, I have loved her more than she loves me. It was a mistake, but I was young, stupid, and listened to others advice. But it always became apparent that she took care of herself and I took care of her, but no one took care of me. No one has been looking out for what makes me happy. My mother sees it and I always deny it. But I see it too.
I am over the other person sex thing because I now understand it better. I am also, but very recently, getting over the idea that I love her more than she loves me. She has, in the past few months or about a year or so, shown me that she really truly loves me. I know it sucks that I need reminders and being assured. I know I’m weak when it comes to this. But I am sensitive and completely in love. I joke that she is my self worth. But it is true. Everything I do is to make her proud of me. I love her so much and don’t want to disappoint her. This would maybe be ok, if I wasn’t so scared of her. I’m scared of disappointing her and of not giving her what she wants. I know I say mean things sometimes about her being on the computer too much or cooking, etc but I get very frustrated. . . then I drop it and she smiles or kisses me and it is all ok. But it never leaves the back of my mind.
Seriously, what other house wife doesn’t cook – ever. Barely cleans. On days that the maid is coming the next day. . . she waits till I’m home from a day at work to start cleaning and for me to help. She says she can’t shower or clean with the kids all day. . . bullshit. I’ve been with both kids, cooked them a meal, put a load of laundry in and cleaned a room. I’m not superman, I just know I can do it. She needs to know this too. There are days that she drops Ben off at school, works out, sits in her car, picks him up, feeds him, puts him down for a nap, sits for 2 hours, drives to pick sam up and drives home – while listening to her music and making the kids watch a movie on mute – gives them a snack and lets them watch an hour and a half of tv before I come home and claims it has been a hard day and I need to do everything. . . and I’m such a schmuck – I do it – and cater to her all night.
It aggravates me so much. She can’t possibly love me and treat me this way.
The most difficult thing I dreaded tonight was criticizing her. First, who am I to criticize. I’m fat and lazy too. I walk past laundry and dishes too. I’m no better than her. I need to change too and hopefully I will. Second reason is because I didn’t know if she would accept it and be better or if she would fight back. She will always win a battle between us when winning means hurting the other more.
I got over all this when I read her journal. I saw she realizes all these things and wants to change. When I said the things I said tonight, she knew them and was reaching out for me to say them for her. . .not to coddle her anymore. The guy who does the website is a fucking nutcase, but he has some things right. And we are going to apply those things to us – I hope. And be better for them.
I’m looking forward to our lives and my “new” wife. Hopefully she will also get a new husband. I’m not perfect or anywhere near – but without as much angst against her, I hope to be better. Which in turn will make her better. We could have the perfect life.
Lastly, back to my earlier comment about not thinking she could change before. I know she can now. I saw her diet and exercise and show great will power. Better than I have. I used to think that my life was destined for fake happiness and a life of servitude to a person that I loved more than she loved me. Now I am hopeful that she can apply this energy into the rest of her life. She wants to be better in all aspects. First it was her body. Then into sex. Now it is into life.
My first blog entry
We just started LDD three days ago with our first maintenance spank last night. I started my first blog 20 seconds ago. I journaled last night and will copy and paste into this blog.
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