Responding to my love's post

I just asked my love to read my blog and she can't deal right now. She wants to be alone. Understandable I guess, but scary because this is her pre LDD reaction. Not her post LDD reaction. I knew these things would happen -- her drawing in and being pre LDD. Didn't have a good game plan going in and dealing with it poorly now.

In her blog, she talks about the discipline and her adoration for me.

She says she was confused by my reactions when I came upstairs. She was cleaning for me and still very into the adoration mode -- probably what motivated her to clean.

I came up from working out, sweaty and sore, and saw a huge pile of bags for me to carry downstairs. Then I saw the room and I could tell she had been working, but shittily commented that it did not seem like much had been done. Ok look, I know she worked hard and I know stuff was done, but I was so immediatly overwhelmed with the amount of work that was left to do -- that I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO DO, I got pissy. Then she starts telling me that she doesn't know what to do with this and this and that. Well that has always been code for (and we both do this). . . take care of this because I put in a little effort and the rest requires thought and more effort, so you take care of it. "There's a whole bunch of Disneyworld stuff that I don't know what to do with" Well what should I do with it? "I don't know what to do with the top of the dresser" Well, when I left, you said you would get everything off except for my stuff and it looks like you didn't touch it. Then the groping and ear licking occurred as I'm cleaning the dresser and realizing that only about 60-70% of it was mine and thinking that she didn't even try, therefore, I have to clean the dresser, clean the Disneyworld stuff, carry things, do another hour of cleaning work, then do my office work that I brought home so that I could leave work early enough to have dinner with my family, then shower, then try to relax and go to bed.

Was this fair of me? Did I handle it right? Probably not. I handled it the way I used to handle it -- with passive aggresiveness-- which is wrong for both of us. What I should have done as HOH was point all this out to her, then make her strip, and clean the rest of the room by herself without help, then when she was finished, go to the corner and think about it (or something like that).

But even that would have taken time away from the shit I had to do. Also, I didn't think about it b/c I was pissy.

She "shut down" as she puts it -- good description. I hate when she does that. I don't know how to act. And being HOH, I really don't know how to act. Was that the perfect time to strip her and break her down emotionally and physically to submit to me? Maybe. Looking back on it -- probably. I got hurt that she was hurt and went pussy for the rest of the evening and continue to as I type. At first, I tried to be the "sexy alpha HOH" for her, but I could tell she wasn't in the mood.

I don't always know what to do. . . Shit, I'm making this up as I go along.

She put it best when she wrote that we are flying blind in this lifestyle. We are both trying to work it out.

In her blog she does acknowledge that she did not retaliate at me when she got hurt and that was a big step. I agree. I saw the thoughts going through her head, I gave her a chance to attack, and she didn't. If nothing else, that was a good step. Then in the laundry room, she was in no mood for me, but she let me kiss her. . . another good step.

Also, if I'm going to be completely honest as I sit here and reflect. I was mad at myself when I came upstairs. I planned to excersice and run on the treadmill. My heel hurts and I cut it short. Also, because I'm fat and out of shape. Then I did some push ups and then just sat around a little. A waste of an attempt to work out, but at least I walked almost a mile and did 20 push ups and then my shoulder hurt and I got pissed about that.

Bottom line, I walked up a little pissy then might have been looking for reasons to be more pissy.

If I were not in a bad mood, I might have handled her "not know what to do" with a dresser top half full of her clothes in a better HOH kind of way.

I'll work on it.