Friday, October 30, 2009

Another thought

Just another quick thought.

I was just reading my old posts and my love's old posts and I think that based on our personalities and especially my love's -- we should have a lot more maintenance spankings and submission training. If I go 2 days without something, I think she loses interest, unless she is horny.

She is good when horny and good after submission and maintenance. A couple days without and she loses it.

I need to fight through the tiredness, fight through the laziness, and fight through everything else and make time for her each day for this, even if it is briefly.

Update

Ok, so I'm going to try to summarize the last few months but not take too long (for your sake and mine). We stopped LDD over the summer b/c my love's back was bad and we also just fell out of it. We have issues in our marriage and that kills me so we are trying things to attempt to resolve them. During the time we did LDD over the summer, we were re-connected and things went well until we let them lapse. So we decided to try again a few weeks ago. It started very well with a maintenance spanking. My love has actually ordered spanking implements on line without telling me to aid in our endeavors. For 3 weeks or so, she has done dishes and laundry almost every day -- an extremely rare occurrance over the last 9+ years of marriage. She has been pleasant and mostly respectful. For the 1st maintenance I used every spanking tool on her and ginger root for 4 minutes to show her what punishments were availalbe to her. We started making love more, connecting more, and things were very very good. The items we are discussing is that she needs help submitting and I need help being the HOH. She has basically been in charge of our marriage on most things and she is looking for me to be strong. We had a few small punishments and another maintenance and things were going well.

I have been swamped at work and very tired, but I have tried to put in the time and effort needed to make this work, though I have not been perfect. I don't love "punishing" my wife, but I love the results and I love my wife. She brought this lifestyle up and she brings up the problems we have and I want to try to commit to it to see if it helps in the long run. It is Friday, Monday we made love and I thought things were good, Tuesday she went out, Wednesday I went out, and Thursday we were both home. She had an attitude all day and I was tired. After the kids went to bed I went to watch the World Series and she watched Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice.


We later got into a discussion about how she feels neglected and this isn't working and it may have just been a sex game -- we have been having sex like newlyweds since we started. I don't want it to end. It has been a couple days of me being busy and tired. I'm exhausted. I don't know where this is coming from. We missed our Wednesday maintenance, but we discussed weeks ago that if we were busy on Wednesdays, we would do it on Fridays. She somehow now disagrees with this. Her last blog shows that the last maintenance was last Friday followed by a punishment spanking. I hope to do a maintenance spanking tonight -- this is where my mind is right now.

I have a lot of things running through my mind about all of this so I'm going to just train of thought spill:

-- my love told me that she does not like that she is the only one blogging and that she does not want to if I don't. So here is my blog. But I'm concerned about my "submissive" love reading my "less than authoritative" self doubts and concerns.

-- She has actually told me that the spankings, while effective, are not hard enough. I've not brought her to tears and she is usually fine after the spanking or soon thereafter. She showed me a website -- spankingtube.com -- and showed me some other people's spanking videos. Without having seen those, I would never have thought to hit that hard, that long, or make her behind that red and purple. My love has actually told me that this is what is expected and to remind her during that it is just a spanking, she'll live, and not to squirm (also for me to think these things too I think).

-- as noted in the above thought, she is the one coming up with the ideas. she posted she doesn't want to be a backseat HOH and I understand her thoughts. She has pushed new ideas more than me, she researches more than me. The last 3 or 4 weeks I have not done much of anything except work. I come home, see the kids, start working at home and go to bed. She has more time to research, view videos and read and I think she understands this, but also wants more effort from me. I agree and will try. Even as a submissive, she is deciding, to an extend, how we are living this life. I want to read and learn more so she does not have to.

-- back to the spanking videos. I'm going to have a very hard time spanking her to tears. Because she has a high threshold of pain and is stubborn, but also to get over the mental hurdle of hurting her. I've been able to spank her to pain, but I usually stop and give a warning that there is more where that came from or something. She has been obedient most of the time and things are better (before yesterday), but she is not fully submissive. She wants to be and I will do my best to try to help her get there. I bought lotion for tonight and plan to use it and spank her the way she should be spanked. This will hopefully be especially helpful since her whole family is coming over tomorrow and I want her to be good and respectful around them -- a whole other issue.

-- I think I may write down some reminders as an HOH for punishments and words to defuse her and keep the list in my pocket. I get flustered when she confronts me (odd, because no one, and I mean no one else really flusters me) and hesitate on what to say or do. I need to work on this. We discussed at the beginning that I need to be extra strict and extra with my punishments at the beginning to establish the lifestyle. I have moments when I'm good at this and moments when I'm not. I forget or get tired -- wish I didn't have to work so much so I could focus on my family more.

-- another of my hesitations is seeded from the last time we did this. Last time, a mistake I made was not communicating with her and trying to change her personality. I tried to be an all powerful HOH who commanded her thoughts and it didn't work. So now, I'm really trying to take a step back and think about whether she is being disrespectful or funny or showing personality or being a person with her own mind. I don't want her to overuse my power such that it loses it's respect and this is an issue that I'm having a very hard time with. When I give her a look or warn her, if she backs down, then great. If she questions me and thinks she has done nothing wrong, I hesitate and question myself.

Ok, I probably have more thoughts, but this is long and I have to get back to work. I put off some stuff at work so that I could blog and show my Love that I listen to her and am committed to her, which in turn makes me committed to this lifestyle.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Been awhile

It has been awhile. . . sorry. My love's back has been bad, my back was bad, then we went on a vacation. We are back and going to try to start again. She has gone from wanting it in her life to not wanting any part of it to wanting to try it again. She acknowledges that she needs structure in her life and wants to learn to please me more. She remembers how nice it was when we were doing LDD and has suggested harsher punishments because she has a high threshold of pain and because she is a tough nut to crack. She has asked if I am capapble of being strict and forceful. I'm going to try. . . for her, for us, for our family, and for me.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Nothing going on

Quick update. My love's hip and leg are injured from a combination of her exercising and carrying around our 3 year old. She is in a lot of pain and has been for a while. Basically, what this means is that our house, laundry, and cooked meals are the same they were before we started LDD, however now there is a reason so it does not bother me as much. I don't really have anyway to discipline her for disrespect (which she is still better at) and not keeping track of money because it hurts for her to even get up.

If anyone has some ideas for non-moving, non impact disciplines, I'd like to hear it. Basically our LDD life has been put on hold for a bit. I'm not happy about it and I know she isn't either, but what can we do right now?

Our relationship is still good and I think we will continue when she feels better.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Figging

I had gone a while without giving a maintenance spanking -- a combination of my work being busy, her back/leg being really painful and bad, and me not being on top of things.

So after talking and talking about (during foreplay), our next maintenance spanking and possibly using figging, we did it. She emailed me a few weeks ago with a website about figging and how to do it (figging is inserting a ginger root into the ass, which has a slow burning and is painful).

Wednesday night we discussed doing a maintenance spanking and then I went to play softball. I don't know if she expected me to really do it that night, but as I left I told her to come up with a list of 15 things she wanted to change about her life when we started LDD and grade herself (see her blog).

So I came home Wed night from softball with a single red rose and ginger root. I gave her the red rose, kissed her and told her that I bought it b/c I loved her. And that I bought the other item in the bag b/c I loved her as well. Then I told her to go upstairs.

I had her lay naked face down on the bed with her notebook. I prepared the ginger root and went upstairs. We went through her list and I had her write in her notebook 5-20 times different phrases as I spanked her with different devices. Then when we got to the items she was the worst at, mainly her attitude and respect for me, I inserted the ginger root.

The effects were immediate. She said it burned. As we discussed things she needed to improve on, we had the ginger root inserted, me spanking her and her writing lines. At one point she begged me to remove it, I got a little worried, since this was our first time, so I removed it. I waited a minute and asked if she was ok, she said she was, so I put it back in until we were finished.

I think this was effective and she says it was, but next time to have her write in between spankings b/c all she did was write as fast as she could instead of really focusing on it. We also talked about longer figging with more intense spanking (her suggestion), so that we could get her to cry.

She wants to cry and submit. She thinks this will help her around the house, with her attitude towards me, and help her release sexually.

We will continue to work and communicate. Things are better than before we started so it is a process.

I was going to give her a maintenance tonight, but her leg/back is so bad she took some pain medication I don't want to spank her while she has an injury.

We both have talked about me being more strict and being strict at the moment her misbehavior occurs. I'll work on this.

The house is a mess and I hate knowing that I am the one who will be cleaning it -- just like before, even though it is b/c she can't bend and is in pain. So I don't blame her, but I still hate it. Tough for me to always separate the issue that it is not her fault b/c she is hurt and my aggravation of working all week, most of the weekend, and then have to clean around the house. Sucks, but not her fault this time.

Thoughts on this lifestyle

My thoughts seem to change sometimes about our new lifestyle. Am I strong enough to do this. Will she ever submit. Is it just a sex game? She seems like she wants to submit and be a "good" wife, but the only time she ever talks like this is during foreplay. During the day or evening, she doesn't seem to be as into it.

This morning she said she wants to be at a full submitting point by this fall so she can wake up with me in the morning (now she stays in bed), turn on my shower, help bathe me, make me breakfast, and be up with the kids. Of course she said this during foreplay and dirty talk.

I think she thinks she is being more respectful and submissive, but I'm not always seeing it.

For instance, this morning, we were discussing our plans for the day. I wanted one schedule, she wanted another. She forcefully told me what was going to happen and that our daughter was not swimming at my parents -- not "I think this should be our plan and here's why I don't want her to swim." We talked about it later and she thought we both agreed -- this is part of her problem - she doesn't even realize how she talks to me. She thought we discussed it and I agreed, but I think she "laid down the law" and ordered me around.

Its a long process and we are at least communicating and she is certainly better, just not where I hope she would be.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

More updates

Haven't blogged since Saturday -- sorry.

Things have been very good.

Saturday night we went to dinner and a movie and had the kids sleep out. Sunday morning, we had pretty good sex. She picked up the kids and I worked. Then she came home, we were together for a little then I went back to work.

Every morning, I have given her a pre-emptive spanking, but not very hard because she has been good and also because she has had some hamstring/low back/glut pain from working out.

Monday, I came home from work and . . . she had baked a cake with the kids. She didn't tell me, I just opened the door and the smell hit me. It was awesome. Understand that my lovely wife of almost 9 years and mother of my kids for more than 5 had never just baked a cake. And better - she did it with the kids.

Our focus of the last maintenance spanking was to be better with me and spend more time with the kids. She is doing better. Monday was cake, Tuesday was the zoo, and today I came home and our 5 year old's nails were polished, dinner was made, laundry was done, and the house was clean.

Both of our mothers have asked what happened to my wife b/c they don't recognize this woman who cooks, cleans, does laundry.

So far, there have been some hiccups, but this new lifestyle has been GREAT. Laundry is good, quality timeis good, time with kids is good, and sex is good -- but that has always been pretty good. I also have found that my angst seems to be mostly gone. Last night her leg was hurting and I told her to sit and I would do stuff. I started to feel that feeling again -- where she is sitting and I'm working. But I realized it was b/c I told her to and it was all fine. If this is how life is, then I'm really looking forward to the rest of it. Also, she bought a sex swing today -- what a good wife. It will look great in our bedroom next to the stripper pole we have there for her "excersice." Yes, she has always said that she is good in THAT room. But now, she is just good all around.

I think she needs another maintenance spanking soon. We'll let you all know