Updates

For those of you reading my wife's blog (http://www.adoreshoh.blogspot.com/), you read her version of Thursday night. We are trying to communicate and have sometimes found it better through blogs. It opens up our communiation and lets us think without a back and forth. Helpful.



Thursday we were supposed to have a maintenance spanking. I came home and she had worked really hard cleaning the pantry. I knew she had worked at it all day. The cleaning lady was coming Friday -- yes, we have someone come clean the house once every two weeks and all we have to do is straighten up so that she can clean (mop, dust, etc.). Normally, this is an event that does not start until after the kids go to bed and can last until 1 or 2 AM. In the past, I would come home to a messy house, hear that my love had no time during the day to clean b/c she was taking care of the kids, so I would come home from work, bring home dinner, put the kids to bed, and then we would clean. Obviously not the best scenario. So I was excited all week that the house was looking great and I would not have any work to do Thursday night. I might even get to go play some poker after some maintenance spanking and making love -- or watch a movie with the Mrs.


Well, I had a shitty day at work, which is happening a lot lately. Nothing bad, just very stressful. I have a stressful high paced job that I've learned to manage well, but there are days, weeks, etc. that it gets even more high paced and I do not always deal well with it.


So I spoke with her from work adn talked to her about her cooking the pork chops that were in the fridge and were going to go bad, she said she didn't know how and maybe she would. I explained that the directions were on the box (shake n bake), but I would email them to her. So I sent her an email and was really excited about dinner being cooked for me and not having to clean.


Later I called her and she was still working on the pantry and had not spent any time with the kids. I knew the pantry was a huge undertaking and understood that she was focused on it and didn't mind the non attentiviness to the kids that day. She said she was still working on it so I left work a little early. On teh way home, we spoke and I ended up offering to come home and do the cooking b/c she was still working on the pantry.



I got home and saw the pantry was awesome!! I told her how great it was and a what a good job it was. She had 4 huge trash bags full of crap in the kitchen and told me they were too heavy for her to carry to the garage and I said I would do it later -- no problem. I then enjoyed making dinner and even tried to make asparagus in the oven for the first time. We talked about seasonings, worked together . . . it was great. During this, our 3 year old was having his HUGE breakdown in the corner. We have worked on not giving him attention when he does this, but it is certainly tough. I kept my cool and patience and made a good dinner and was happy.


During dinner, neither kid wanted to eat what we made, the younger one was still crabby, and I started to lose my patience a little -- but was still ok. She started doing the dishes and I cleared the table and then she said her back was hurting. I happily told her that she could go take a breek and I would do it.


Then, as Im doing dishes, I had one of those moments that I have sometimes. Like a slow switch. I realized what time it was, calculated in my head how long it would take to finish all the things I had to do before I got to sit down and relax for the first time all day -- the dishes, then put the kids to bed, then straighten the house (b/c even though it was as clean as it has ever been at this point on a Thursday, there was still work to be done), plus carry the bags outside to the trash, plus let the dogs out, feed the dogs, and who knows what else would come up. This was adding up to me not being able to sit for a long time. And the kids were watching tv and she was laying on the couch (granted b/c she was hurting). But when I was in the kitchen doing this, and thinking about this, I started to feel like I used to feel when I would be cleaning/cooking/laundry/whatever while she was on the couch and the kids were watching tv. I was getting anxious b/c I knew that I would not be able to "sit down and relax" for hours. It sucked. Then I finished the dishes and tried to put the kids to bed. Her back was hurting so I got the honor of changing the 3 year old's diaper. He was not in the mood for that and was fighting me and kicking me. At first, I was calm, but quickly started to lose it. The diaper had to be changed and I was being kicked by a pretty strong kid who was twisting and kicking. I got pissed. We put the kids to bed and then straighened up the bedroom. It was getting later and later. It did not take long (by comparison to other weeks) but I still had not "sat down yet." Then we decide the house is ok and we go downstairs. She sits and opens her computer. She finally "gets to sit" and she deserved it. Well, I deserved it too, but my work was not done. I had to go get the dogs from downstairs and let them out. Then I had to do take out the 4 bags of garbage that were too heavy for her to lift.



If you asked me my biggest pet peeve 2 weeks ago (before LDD) it would be doing something around the house while my wife sits there and watches and doesn't even offer to help.



Well here I was again and feeling the same way -- though this time it was not really her fault.



So I take the dogs out and lift the first bag of trash. As I apply even a little pressure into lifting it, the bottom completely breaks and cans, packages, and loose cheerios pours all over the floor. I exclaim (wife says I yelled in a way to blame her, I don't recall that, but I'll take her word for it). Why do I take her word for it? Well I don't remember my words, but I remember my thoughts. "God dang it V, you loaded the bag too heavy and look at this. Now I have to clean it up. Just great" Or something to that effect.

She came in very annoyed with what I thought at the time was annoyance that I would dare be upset about having to clean up after a broken trash bag and heaven forbid that I would blame her for it b/c after all she worked really hard today. Great. She worked hard today. Great. She has been doing a lot better. But Shit. Instead of using 4 trash bags, she could have used 8. Is this the end of the world? No. Is it something in and of itself to be that upset about? No. Did it happen at the end of a long day while I was still working around the house and she was sitting down and it was her "fault" (no she didnt' do it on purpose, but it wasn't my fault for lifting the bag. So let's face it. A stranger didn't come in and fill a bag with 100 pounds of canned goods, it wasn't an act of natrure like a tornado, so who's fault was it?). She came in, made a comment about me being a jerk or something and then turned around and went back to sitting. She was pissed at me for being a jerk (see her blog) and in pain from her back so she wasn't going to help. I would have at least liked an offer to help. I felt like it was before HOH. If she had said. "Wow, sorry. I didn't realize it was so full." or "that sucks, I can't bend over, but can I help?" Or anything besides basically "your an asshole, its your fault, clean it up yourself." MY FAULT???? How the FUCK is this my fault? This is what I thought. I wasn't mad at her for doing it, I understood how it could happen (even in the state of mind I was in, I knew this). But MY FAULT? Are you fucking kidding me? I toughed the top of the bag, grabbed it, began to lift, and BAM. My fault? Well, needless to say, that was teh beginning of the end. I cleaned up, threw all the bags out and finally. . . finally had all my "chores" done. It was too late to go out, too late for a movie, and too pissed off to do maintanance spanking.

Then I tried to talk to her. I had one of those times where I become calmer -- mainly b/c she is pissed. She completely shut down emotionally, was pissed and warned me to leave her alone or she would make me cry -- through emotional attacks. In the past, I have learned to leave her alone and usually do a good job of it, but not that night. I was too much of a combination of pissy and wanting to have the better marriage where we talk throught things. I have always been the one who wants to talk and share. She shuts down, rolls her eyes, makes fun a little, and threatens to hurt my feelings. . . then hurts my feelings. I know this is a defense mechanism and it is her natural response to protect herself -- she is much more sensitive then people think and more than she lets on. I just wish she didn't feel the need to protect herself emotionally from me -- a wish that I will have to work on. We've talked and she will try to open up more, but I need to be more conscious of this issue and show her that I am a safe place. I don't know if she has ever really given me a chance. She cna come to me about other people, but she shuts down when it comes to me. .. . we will work together on this.